If for some godforsaken reason you’re friends with a Cardnasty from SVSU, chances are you don’t have any other friends so it’s not in your best interest to be picky anyway. In case they come to visit you at GVSU, you wanna make sure that they have the best experience possible since they’re the only friend you’ve got. To make sure they’re as happy as can be during their stay here, The Black Sheep has put together a list of the 7 best ways to guarantee they fall in love with GV and beg their parents to let them transfer.
7.) Keep showing them the dumpsters:
Because they go to SVSU, they’re used to trash. Trashy food, litter all over the campus, trashy people, just TRASH. To make sure your buddy doesn’t get homesick and try to dip out on your plans early, just take them outside and give them a tour of the dumpsters every few hours, letting them breathe in the nasty aromas and reminding them of home.
6.) Watch some bird videos:
Does it even have to be of a cardinal? If your friend starts to get whiney because everything is Laker this or Laker that, go to YouTube and pull up any random video of a red bird pooping on a car or some shit and they’ll calm down for sure.
5.) Avoid Lubbers Stadium:
If you’re trying to make sure your friend doesn’t throw a hissy fit, DON’T bring them anywhere near the stadium. It’ll only remind them of how much their football team sucks, and how the Lakers have crushed them every year. Grand Valley is clearly the better valley, but for the sake of your friendship, don’t rub it in.
4.) Stay outside:
Bringing your bud into any building on campus will ensure that they’re offended. They go to SVSU for crying out loud. That place is a dump, so stepping foot into any of GV’s buildings will feel like stepping into a castle and surely make them cry out of jealousy.
3.) Take their Laker Bowl virginity:
The best thing you can do for a Grand Valley visitor is expose them to GV’s finest–the Laker Bowl. No visit to the Valley is complete without this artery-clogging bowl of goodness, so if they don’t have one, why the frick did they even come?
2.) Show them the clock tower:
GV is the better valley for a lot of reasons, the most important being we have a giant clock tower right smack dab in the middle of campus that sings to students when they’re late for class. What other campus can say that? Surely not SVSU.
1.) Let them ride on the wrecking ball:
Perhaps one of the most fun activities to partake in while visiting GVSU is getting naked and riding the wrecking ball (with Miley Cyrus playing as you swing, of course). SVSU is the worst place on earth, so the chance of your friend ever having done something this iconic and fun are slim to none.
It sucks that you’re forced to be friends with someone from SVSU, but it would suck even more if they hated GVSU, the most bomb place on earth. But, by following these seven simple suggestions, any rival who visits here should feel right at home!
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