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8 Things to Get Your Grubby Hands on Before You Leave GVSU

You’re about to leave GVSU for the summer (or forever, lucky bastard). There are plenty of chachkis placed around campus you’ve always wanted to get your grubby hands on. Now? Here’s your chance!

8.) The Wrecking Ball:

Get some of your dude bro friends together and use their POS trucks for something more useful than “muddin’.” Steal the ball, hang it off a steel beam in your backyard and swing on it every day for the rest of your life so you’re not reminded of your crippling debt and depression.

7.) That “art” installation of people’s breath:

First floor hallway of Kindschi on a small shelf above the benches by Which Wich. Three glass bottles filled with condensation from people’s breath sit with a glass display case. Steal these jars, clone these people, ruin or enjoy their lives and relationships. Show them the evil that happens when you donate part of yourself to a piece of art!

6.) The giant TV in Student Services:

Why would you not take this? Videogames, movies, entertainment. Sure, it’s probably bigger than your parents’ basement or crap apartment, but does that really matter? No. Free TV.

5.) That weird horse statue in front of Zumberge:

No one really knows what it is or who made it, but we all secretly want it. Steal this pretty pony and make him your VERY low-maintenance pet that you give a name to like Duane or Phillip. Let him comfort you at night each night you realize your film degree was meaningless.

4.) Your professor’s heart:

Metaphorically or physically, we’ll let you decide how you want to take it. Either way, having your professor’s heart will fill a spot in yours that won’t have you crying alone at night with only Duane the horse to comfort you. Now that you’re graduating, you can finally be together. Or if you’re not graduating, you may want to go physical with this one so you don’t have to go to his or her class ever again.

3.) A GVPD squad car:

After leaving GV you’ll obviously be in need of some extra cashola. Steal a GVPD cop car while the officers play Segway tag in Lot C and go write some undeserved speeding and parking tickets. Make sure you leave your PayPal so drivers know where to send the money!

2.) The cook from Panda Express:

Let’s face it, these people aren’t “chefs” but they’re the closest thing we have. Convince or kidnap (whichever you prefer) that guy dousing the frozen chicken balls in orange sauce and microwaving those premade eggrolls so he can cook for you on a regular and you don’t starve. Yeah the MSG may lead to some long-term health issues, but at least your private cook is free.

1.) Janitor keys:

There are only two truths in this world: everybody eats and everybody poops. With a set of janitor keys, you’ll be able to open any custodial closet in every building. Where does the benefit in this come in you ask? Toilet paper, and a lot of it! Sure it’s the crap 1-ply, but when you can get it for free who cares?

Make sure you’re at the top of your theft game during your theft of any or all of these items, however. We all know how GV loves holding past circumstance over graduating students’ heads and holding their degree until you pay that $2 owed on a parking ticket.

 

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…

 

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