Let’s face it, trying to graduate and get a job is hard enough, causing very few students to even have a fever dream about retiring. But thankfully, GV has its students covered by setting up individual retirement counseling right in the middle of Kirkhof to deliver the best tips for early retirement. The Black Sheep sat down with a counselor and picked up six great pieces of advice.
As tempting as it is, you have to start resisting the urge to get a foot-long three meals a day. Everyone knows that spending money on frivolities such as mid-grade sandwiches prevents from saving up for the big things (especially if you indulge on adding avocado). Who cares if you use dining dollars, right? Wrong. Every penny counts, even if they are going to disappear by December!
Why waste your money on gas and tune-ups when GV has a free, perfectly “functioning” bus system? Sure, trying to get the timing down to catch a 50 is near impossibly, but at least it’s free to all students! Besides, you only need to go to campus and Meijer anyway. Just be careful not to sit on a stained seat.
Paying for housing on or off campus is a pain that will hurt your chances of ever retiring someday. Instead, just camp out at the library! There are plenty of places to hide from library staff, and the printers are perfect space heaters. If you get caught, just sleep in the Arboretum; it’s not like the weather is unpredictable or anything.
Sadly, not all of us have rich parents who spoil us, and have to work just to eat Ramen. If you ever want a chance to retire, take full advantage of the employment options on campus. You can make extra cash to stow away by working at Argo, the Laker Store, and Parking Services all while taking 17 credits. Don’t worry, you can sleep when you retire.
October at GV is infamous for the majority of the student body getting sick. Whether it’s due to drastic temperature changes day to day or being forced to interact with more than five people a day, students always catch the crud. But if you ever want to retire, you can’t afford to take any sick days. Ever. It’s perfectly normal to collapse on the job from a fever. Just go with it.
If you ever want to retire someday and not suffer immensely, there’s always the option to cling to someone who has made it in the world. Track down a GV alumni who has made somewhat of a living (good luck), and beg them to take care of you. If you play your cards right, you’ll be financially secure for life and all you’ll have to do is dress up as sexy Louie the Laker.
Between trying to graduate and trying to overcome student loan debt, retirement is the last thing on any student’s mind. But at least GV is way ahead and has ways to help students in case their “work until I die” plan doesn’t work out.