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Grand Valley State

Climate Survey Proves Lakers Don’t Take Survey Seriously


Grand Valley State University revealed the results of its 2015 Campus Climate Survey this weekend, and if the numbers are any indication, the survey proves that Grand Valley students don’t take the Campus Climate Survey very seriously. The survey was launched to provide GVSU students an opportunity to express their opinions and suggestions for improving the campus atmosphere, as well as a chance to win money for tuition, and was met with mostly apathy and snark.


In addition to the standard “not interested” or “strongly disagree” answers for every question, the survey questions for which students were asked to type out their answers allowed Lakers to display their apathy in a variety of ways. “Aside from the racism and bigotry one could expect to find, there were a lot of creative bad answers to the questions,” said Damien Heller, a representative of Grand Valley’s Survey Board. “One student typed out a picture of himself giving the middle finger with both hands,” Heller told us. “Another one just kept posting the link to that video of the kid getting hit with the basketball as the answer to every question.”


Heller said that though a small handful of students legitimately concerned about the environment on campus gave constructive feedback on the survey, the majority of results proved that most of the Grand Valley’s student population only cares about Netflix, Spongebob, having sex, and getting drunk: “We’re fairly certain the tuition payment has something to do with the increase in responses this year,” said Heller.


Interestingly, some Lakers have mentioned they were redirected to a page full of questions that were not asked on the main survey: “I clicked ‘finish’ after not really reading the questions and copy/pasting lines from my essay on World War II, and suddenly there was a question that asked how many times I’d seen manspreading in the last week,” said Louisa Phillips, a junior.


Phillips tells us she answered these questions like the rest of the survey, then clicked the “Finish” button again only for her computer to stop working.


“I had the same thing happen,” said Mark Watts, a sophomore. “I just kept clicking letter ‘B’ as my answer. I remember the two questions: ‘What’s your favorite kind of chair at the library?’ and ‘How often do you feel like a race war is about to break out on campus?’ Then I hit the ‘Finish’ button and my computer crashed.”


Speculation about these questions has run rampant, the most common theories being that they were either snuck into the system or were intended to be asked by the university only to be pulled at the last minute, but it looks like they were only asked to the students who didn’t care about actually answering the climate questions. The university and the Survey Board have not responded to our requests for comment regarding these questions.


Despite the apathetic results, the university’s response to the survey has been positive: “Even though they didn’t take the survey seriously, at least they took it,” said Heller, laughing for an uncomfortably long time after finishing his sentence. In the meantime, until next year’s Campus Climate Survey, Grand Valley will take the suggestions offered by students to heart, and is currently looking into opening a liquor store in Kirkhof to increase student seriousness and care.


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