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Grand Valley State

Confessional: My Roommate’s a Vampire

The following is a confessional interview of a GV student who wishes to remain unnamed: 


“I noticed something was wrong the day I moved in. It was midday and the room was pitch black; like, black black. I assumed, because it was so dark, that my roommate wasn’t there, but I hadn’t known that the rooms came with blackout curtains. I made my way over to the window and pushed open the curtains, shedding some light on the room. What I saw was terrifying.  


My roommate was crouched in a corner, under her bed, hissing at me. A legitimate hiss, like the sound your cat makes when it’s really pissed off or like the sound your snake makes when it’s hungry. She was dressed completely in black, from neck to ankles, and my side of the room was completely blocked off from her. But, things just got weirder. 


That night, she didn’t sleep. I heard her roaming around the room, searching through my things and making odd sucking noises. She was snoring obnoxiously, trying to convince me that she was sleeping, like the fake snoring that little kids do when they play opossum. 


Young men frequent our room, basically every night there’s a new one. She seems to be a master seductress, but the men always leave looking unnaturally pale and drained. She typically makes me leave for about five minutes, which leads me to believe that she isn’t using them for sex… unless it’s real quick and there’s no cuddling. 


She shows some weird obsession for toast. All she ever eats is toast, and she’s very adamant about me knowing she eats toast. I searched through her computer while she was out at class and her history showed multiple searches for “human food,” which I guess is mostly toast. Problem is, she never eats it. She just sits in our darkened room, looking at me, licking the toast until I get uncomfortable enough to leave.


I bought garlic to make stir-fry one time, and I put it in the fridge. The fridge is littered with V8 Splash juice bottles containing some thick, red liquid, which I’m going to take to being tomato juice for my own sanity. Anyway, she opened up the fridge to get some “juice” and then fell on the floor screaming and withering. I thought she was having a seizure, but I was too afraid to approach her. She sprinted away from the fridge as fast as she possibly could, jumped into her hammock bed, and continued to scream until I started frantically throwing the contents of our fridge into the hall. Needless to say, the garlic was removed.  


She has come to acquire a really nice camera that she takes selfies with. She never posts them anywhere and when I’ve asked, she says that it’s “really hard to take selfies with a Nikon,” but I know it’s because she doesn’t show up in pictures. She has a bunch of photos though, ones that are badly Photoshopped of families and pets. The best part? She isn’t in any of them. 


Every time she leaves for class, she covers herself in a thick, black cloak and takes an umbrella, regardless of the weather. At first I just assumed she was albino, but now I’m beginning to think otherwise. I bet it’s because she sparkles like a disco ball.

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