Finals week at GV turns everyone’s life upside down. That class you have on Mondays at 8 a.m. has an exam on Thursday at 4:30 downtown! Oh, and all 5 of your exams are back to back, but one of them is on the Kalamazoo campus. The only way to combat this systemic shock is to make sure your liver keeps up with the madness. Here’s a standardized schedule for alcohol consumption during these hectic times:
5.) Monday–get Irish coffee from the Marketplace Starbucks:
To fuel up right for the week, you want something calorie dense and caffeinated. No, don’t search the Russian dark web for some O.G. Four Loko. Grab a bottle of Bailey’s and head to the Marketplace Starbucks. We’re sure they’ll put a single shot of espresso in the biggest cup they have, then just pour the rest of the bottle in there and voila! Drunk City, U.S.A. Population: You. Now get to class; you’ve come too far to fail.
4.) Tuesday–become inspired by all the healthy students you see leaving the rec:
Now that you’ve got a nasty Irish hangover from all the sugar and caffeine, it’s time to hit the detox. You’ll need it if you’re gonna get through the rest of the week. No, not water. That’s for losers. Grab a bottle of vodka and any chaser you can see through, throw some cut up strawberries in there and you’re all set with your “infused water” to kill the headache and pain of finishing the semester.
3.) Wednesday–cry into a bottle of whiskey from a crowded corner of Mary Idema Pew:
Finals week is a lot like the grieving process, and the third stage of finals week is depression. Nothing says adolescent depression quite like a bottle of whiskey and staring off into the far reaches of Allendale from the fourth floor of Mary Idema Pew. This will calm you down as you accept your fate that you’re over the hump of finals week, and the light at the end is growing brighter. Now stop being so dramatic; chug that shit and hit the books.
2.) Thursday–a party in Allendale’s favorite bar:
Your sanity is wearing paper thin, and your patience has run out. You don’t want to go to class, you don’t want to get out of bed, and if the next thing your roommate (who finished their finals on Monday) says isn’t “I brought you pizza” you’re going to put pickles in all their socks. Use that energy by heading to Mully’s for the best party a Thursday’s ever seen. Odds are your Friday final isn’t that important, and you just need to forget about this stupid week already.
1.) Friday–Beer City, USA:
You did it. You finished another (and maybe your last) set of finals. You’re tired, you smell like the last four days of combined alcohol consumption, it’s been a rough week to say the least. You need to celebrate! Luckily for you, Allendale’s only a short 50 ride away from some of the best beer in Michigan. Time to sit back, relax and crack open a cold one. Or 30 (we won’t judge).
The above schedule is a sample, and your drunken finals experience may differ. We recommend one shot per page you write. If you’re crazy enough to get 30 pages deep, we trust your liver will hang in there too. One more week to this semester, Lakers. Gotta go big before we can go home!
Know anyone at one of these schools?
UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!
DM our twitter and we’ll take it from there!