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How To Get Your Drunk Friend Outta The Library


Look, we’ve all been there, the late night study sessions where someone sneaks Fireball or something equally as cheap into the library, what starts as just taking the edge off turns into a full blown thunderdome of boozin’. However, moving drunk people can be difficult, especially if the library is “closing in 5 minutes.” Here’s a minute-by-minute guide to get that drunk, belligerent friend out of the library.


Five Minutes Left:

Get your friend to trust you now while you still have the time. In the next few steps you might make them do things their drunk minds don’t want to do, so it’s good to have them happy with you in the moment. While you’re packing up their things (and yours too), bring up inside jokes or that time freshman year when you stopped them from dating that loser in Math 110.


Four Minutes Left:

Sing that terrible song by Madonna about saving the world in four minutes (yeah, you know what we’re talking about).


Friendly reminder: you’re doing the work of the gods, you got this.


Ask your drunk friend if they need to use the bathroom. Trust that drunk people always need to go to the bathroom, so take them regardless. So many plans have been ruined because drunk people realized just before they were going through an exit door that they needed to pee (or vomit, honestly). If you’re really in a time crunch, skip washing their hands. Yeah, it’s gross, but getting your friend out of the library is more important than a few germs


Three Minutes Left:

It’s imperative that you take the elevator. Yeah, it might take longer than the stairs since everyone is leaving at the same time, but it’s better than your friend falling face-first down the hella-long stairs at the Mary Idema Pew. However, a good method is using the third elevator in the back. Likely, there will be less people riding it since it’s farther away, which means less people to see just how drunk your friend is. Also, hold onto your friend when the elevator moves, because the moving will either make them nauseous or want to jump like a little kid. Both scenarios are no good and result in puke.


Two Minutes Left:

Next, do whatever it takes to get your friend through those double doors and outside to freedom. And we mean, whatever. Have to lie about a sloth being outside? Do it. Have to physically carry them out? Do it.


One Minute Left:

Your friend’s going to be upset because they don’t know what’s going on, but they’ll forgive you when they sober up (if they even remember). Keep them engaged in conversation as you physically drag them out of the building toward bus pickup, not down the stairs – so they don’t get distracted by shiny things. Drunk people are so easily distracted they’d give a four year-old a run for their (metaphorical) money.


Closing Time:

Depending on how long each step takes, you should be outside the library before that 2 a.m. closing call. Take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back because you did it. You have successfully gotten your drunk-as-balls friend out of the library. Now all you have to do is get them home. That’s easy, right?


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