GVSU dad Steve McDavis made his annual hour trek up to Allendale for Grand Valley Family Weekend to teach the youths how to sit in a folding chair and binge drink properly. After “resting his eyes” for half the afternoon, he said he could not wait to “flex his stomach muscles and drink gratuitous amounts of beer.”
“Definitely needed to rest my eyes, feel a world of difference after that,” McDavis said at the tailgate. “Now it’s time to get hydrated–with these Miller Lite’s!”
McDavis has a passion for binge drinking and critiquing actions of professional sports athletes. Now in his prime tailgate years, McDavis plans on sitting in as many parking lots as possible this year.
“[My dad] is only cosmetically overweight and has very few bald spots, making him an absolute unit,” said McDavis’s son, Alec. “However, like most dads, they take snoozers and go into hibernation on weekend afternoons. He needed to rest his eyes so he could rage like his boy.”
McDavis, being the party animal he is, he couldn’t stop himself from letting everybody else know how much of a party animal he is. After shooting the breeze with GV alumni that graduated sometime before the invention of the internet, McDavis promptly intruded on a group of college students to inform them about “how good they have it.”
“You know, back when I was your age, I was 21,” McDavis said. Although McDavis failed to say that he dropped out after a couple of semesters in college, he proceeded to lecture the students on how “soft” this generation is.
“Things weren’t this easy. You couldn’t just reach into your pocket and grab a magical apple that could tell you the time. People my age had to build a sundial or use their imagination. Y’all look young, how old are you guys?”
“21,” replied the group of college seniors.
“Back in my day, we didn’t have buses to get around campus. The only ‘Rapid’ we got was us rapidly peddling our bikes to class.”
Tired of putting up with McDavis’s shit, one of the seniors challenged to go beer for beer with him. McDavis declined, citing “family time” as the reason he had to turn down the offer.
After the awkward exchange, Steve went back to tending to his hot dogs and hamburgers on the George Foreman. In all, Steve consumed five hot dogs and two hamburgers (a new “personal best,” he later told anyone who would listen).
Subsequently, McQueen went into a food coma at halftime and was not woken up until his wife shook mid-fourth quarter to tell him the “traffic looks bad” and that they should get going back home.
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