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Grand Valley Papa John’s Expected To Be Filled With Another Sub-Par Chain To Fill The Void Of Mediocrity

Dammit, there goes GV’s flagship food option for South Campus. Turns out Zaddy John is a racist and that definitely isn’t cool. Now, GVSU plans on cutting ties with the controversial pizza joint in 2019 and is actively looking for a mediocre chain restaurant to replace it.

“It was a tough one,” said an anonymous administration official involved in the decision-making process. “We have to be careful about what we replace Papa John’s with. We don’t want students thinking they can order real food on campus. If we replace them with a chain that makes good food, we will have to get rid of our non-edible food options elsewhere on campus. And I don’t think we are ready for that.”

Although most Lakers were overwhelmed with jubilation after hearing the news of Papa John’s departure, some students were sad to see the chain go.

“What the hell? Where else am I going to find a place that delivers pizza in less than two hours? It’s not like we have 12 pizza joints near campus” asked John Walters, a confused GVSU freshman.

“I am going to miss the convenience. I used to order Papa John’s all the time last year,” said Janet Peters, a broke student with absolutely zero cash. “I called in my order and paid my 15 debit dollars, totally didn’t tip the driver of course, and two hours later, a lukewarm piece of cardboard showed up at my dorm. Amazing.” 

“Their pizza tasted like trash, but the smells from the store helps drown out the smell of turkey shit on South Campus, so there’s that,” said Bobby Feathers, a GVSU senior.

With the announcement came rumors of what sub-par chains could possibly fill the void of mediocrity left by Papa John’s. One rumor going around campus has GVSU replacing The Connection with one big Applebee’s. Many suspect this conspiracy theory was pushed forward by non-traditional students in their mid-forties looking to find love in a hopeless place. (That place being an Applebee’s bar.)

Another competing rumor has GVSU putting a Hard Rock Café Allendale in The Connection. Yet, Hard Rock Café has vehemently denied this claim, with the CEO even asking: “Where the fuck is Allendale?”

With that being said, the chance of getting a restaurant that people look forward to eating at is highly unlikely and there is absolutely zero hope left. Maybe GV will do us a favor and just install a vending machine and call it a day.

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