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GVPD Buys a F**king Tank


The Grand Valley Police Department announced Thursday their plan to buy a f**king tank. The Department stated in a press release that the purchase is the result of a grant given to the GVPD to combat the many problems they’re facing on campus.


“This tank will be a valuable and helpful addition to the Allendale campus,” said Carol Lewis, a Deputy Sheriff of the GVPD. “There’s a rash of increasingly troubling events the department’s been facing in Allendale and the surrounding areas this semester, with the increase in MIP charges and other violations, and though we have systems in place to deal with these problems, the force unanimously feels that a f**king tank will make the response even more efficient.”


With a nationwide increase in police funding and weaponry over the last several years, many speculated that it was just a matter of time before the Grand Valley Police Department upped its arsenal. “We weren’t interested in increasing our firearms or tactical equipment,” said Carol, “But the proposal of a f**king tank was too intriguing and unanimously supported to be ignored.” The declining campus mood, and the subsequent increase in federal funding for non-education matters on college campuses made the purchase a no-brainer for the department.


Lewis also discussed the problem of parking congestion and permit enforcement this semester with the increased student population and parking lot alterations. The department insists that the f**king tank will be a positive factor in this problem. “The tank will be an effective visual reminder for people to park where they’re supposed to. Additionally, we think the threat of getting your car crushed by a fucking tank is more motivating than an orange slip of paper on your windshield,” she told us. “And it makes it even easier for towing services to transport. This fact isn’t publicized, but $80 of every parking permit on the Grand Valley Campus pays for towing services. Since a crushed, compacted car will be much easier to transport, this will cut down towing costs, possibly bringing parking permit costs down. The thing will pay for itself in a matter of months.”


Though the GVPD does not wish to play up this element of the purchase, it is obvious that the f**king tank will also be helpful for the force’s response to extreme situations. “Say a house party gets out of hand. The classic ‘enter-with-flashlights’ entrance is effective enough, but it’s not as startling as it could be. You know what will be really startling? A tank crashing through the wall.” The department has confirmed that the under-construction residence center will be built with collapsible walls to allow for easy tank access. “Also,” said Lewis, suddenly leaning in and whispering, “When the zombie uprising begins—and believe me, this is a ‘when’ scenario, not an ‘if’—do you want to be on the campus that doesn’t have a tank?” She leaned back and reclined in her seat. “I know my answer.”


The f**king tank is expected to arrive on-campus by the end of the month, just in time to make sure Halloween celebrations don’t grow out-of-hand.


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