The wind in Allendale has finally taken its first victims of the year: the cross country team. These poor souls decided to do an “easy” 10-mile run surrounded by cornfields on Cottonwood one windy afternoon, but no one can avoid Allendale’s winds that can’t be avoided no matter the direction you face. The day took an unexpected turn when the winds increased and were soon classified as gale force. Sadly, the team was swept up as they rounded the corner.
Jerry Baltes, head cross country coach, was dumbfounded when he heard the news, “I knew the winds were bad, but I thought the team weighed enough to not be blown away. I guess I was wrong.” He muffled a sob, “Skinny bastards.”
“It makes sense,” responded physics professor Truman Burbank. “Their average weight is well below the national average and any winds over 50 miles per hour could easily lift them up and carry them away. We can expect that they would have been blown well across Lake Michigan and over into Wisconsin by now,” he continued, “What a shame.”
Luckily, two people on the team that missed the group run due to “being sick” and “homework.” Lloyd Christmas, one of the surviving freshman cross-country runners, was asked about his feelings regarding the accident: “I still find it hard to believe. They were my best buddies, but at least I’m number one on the team now! I don’t have to work my way up the ladder anymore. But yeah, so sad,” he finished with a smirk and a fist-pump.
Open tryouts were needed to fill the spaces of the blown away teammates. Important meets were coming up and they needed a full team in order to compete. Anybody that could physically run was requested to at least tryout for the team because of the dire need for bodies. Carl Allen, sophomore biology major, decided to try out for the team.
“I ran a mile once, so I thought, shit, why not try out?” he said as he jogged around the track to warm up for his time trial. “I just need to be able to physically run around the track four times in order to make the team. See mom, I am good enough to run for a college varsity sport! Screw you dad, I told you I’m not a waste!”
Carl was one of seven students that decided to participate in the tryouts. Another try-out, Brody Cragg, a sophomore Economics major, was stretching as Carl jogged and we had the chance to catch up with them.
“When I came to GVSU, I knew I had no chance of making the team. I had some self-respect so I didn’t tryout knowing that the competition would make me look like I’m standing still. But now that they’re all gone, I actually look like a really good runner! Talk about an ego-boost!”
When asked if he found the possible deaths of his teammates sad, Cragg was reported as saying: “A tragedy? More like thankfully! Haha, I kid, but really, are you assuming I have real people feelings? Bye Felicia!”
If the blown away runners are able to find their way back to GVSU, the school has promised that they will earn 200 debit dollars for their bravery and courage in this time of great heartbreak, but no one has heard of them since the incident.
The cross-country team is not expected to place at nationals this year, so there may be upcoming budget cuts. Anyone with even a glimpse of athletic ability is highly recommended to tryout.
“The team was literally made of the only decent runners at GV, and now we only have Lloyd, that weird kid Carl, and that ego-maniac Brody Cragg. Please guys, I need my job. Anybody with a heartbeat, please tryout!” cried Coach Baltes.