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Grand Valley State

GVSU Experiences the Bare-Booty Breakout


At Grand Valley, a full moon lasts all day. It’s said that a full moon brings out the craziest of the human population, but here at GV, it just brings out the booty.


Upon entering the campus, you’ll observe short shorts and roleplay-length cheerleader skirts showing major buttcheeks, even though it’s clearly fall. “I’m pretty sure I saw a girl’s labia two or 12 times just walking from Mackinac to Calder,” said freshman Geoffery Howell, “It was pretty neat.”


Under-butt, side-ass, lopsided-ass, fully nude ass: all of these are present walking around Grand Valley’s campus. Whether it is to spite “the man” after just exiting high school, or seasoned GV veterans trying to attract attention, the Bare-Booty Breakout has begun to spread like wildfire, distracting drivers and causing a handful of students to baby-puke in their mouths.


With today’s jeans and pants standards for women, maybe the feeling of air softly caressing their nude asses helps cope with the uncomfortably tight skinny jeans that have almost become a social norm. Some people decide that basically no pants are the best and most comfortable pants for their needs. “I love the breeze between my knees,” said sophomore Brett Farman, an avid short shorts wear-er, “It’s like wearing a thong. It just feels refreshing!” That’s right, a boy said that.


Whether it is a lack of desire or a possible want of revealing ones booty, statistics show that shorts and short shorts have decreased in length over the years. Students all around campus are becoming victims to the “short ass,” a term used when shorts are bought that are far too small for the body type. Others are falling prey to the “handsy backpack” aka when that pesky backpack makes the shorts. skirt, or dress ride up to reveals the behinds for the world to see.


Sharon Mercier had this to say about the Bare-Booty Breakout: “One time I lifted my backpack up and I didn’t realize my skirt had came up until I got to class, sat down, and I felt the cold chair on my cheeks,” she said, “Hundreds of people probably saw my butt and no one told me!” Sharon was not wearing underwear. Tragic.


Although, credit should be given to those who are confident enough to leave their respective place of living wearing such little clothing, whether they realize the wardrobe malfunction or not. Clearly they love their bodies and want to show it off as much as they can in the “blistering heat” of the Allendale sun (read: ferocious winds that give your buttcheeks frostbite).


So what can GVSU do but wait until winter and hope that the Bare-Booty Outbreak diminishes? It’s not like there’s a cure for buns, hun, without having much (or any) of a dress code at Grand Valley: “I fully blame the cross-country team,” said President T. Haas, “Their shorts are way too short. It’s the only explanation for the shorty shorts we see on campus. Well that and pop music.”


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