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Grand Valley State

GVSU: Getting Your Pork On and You

Sex Education is a touchy subject. Some parents believe schools should teach students the natural biological functions of their bodies, others don’t like the idea of some new wave yuppie telling their kids the right way to hide the salami with little Susie. In a few short weeks, Grand Valley will have a swath of new freshmen flooding its grand valleys with varying levels of sexual experience ranging from “Amish Reverend” to “Mick Jagger.” If your high school was one of those that believed premarital sex leads to death, degeneracy, and voting liberal, this article will help bring you up to speed.


The aim here is to prevent unwanted pregnancy/STI’s and to provide a level of etiquette to your partner(s) and roommates. There’s nothing wrong with living out your darkest balloon fetish fantasy, just make sure people who don’t want to deal with it don’t have to, and everyone involved knows what’s going on.


Top tip: Condoms are the most common method of contraception. They’re easy to find, relatively cheap, and disposable. You can find them at the C-Store in Kleiner and the shop in Kirkhof, and it takes just a few minutes max to figure out how they work. If you have a penis, you can practice on your own. If you don’t have a penis, any penis-shaped fruit will do. We assure you it’s not difficult to find someone who has a penis that would be willing to help.


Female condoms are useful as well, especially if a participant has a latex allergy. Other methods of contraception like birth control and spermicidal lubricants are useful, but condoms provide a tangible safety net that can be more comforting than “hopefully my pill will work this month.”


Finding sexual partners at Grand Valley State is not a difficult task if one is patient (and also not a scumbag). Parties and classes are usually the first options in most peoples’ heads for places to meet other sexually frustrated millennials, but the wonders of modern technology have blessed us with inventions like Tinder, Grindr, and OK Cupid. These are phone apps where images of (mostly) attractive strangers looking for different degrees of intimacy parade before your eyes, and it’s up to you to make the connection. These are low-pressure options for people who might have difficulty meeting others in person. They’re also great for people who just want to meet others outside of their jobs, classes, or friend circles, and can exponentially improve the social lives of both lonely introverts and busy students.


Now that you have your condoms, spermicidal lube, partner, and balloons, the question is when and where is sex acceptable? First and foremost, you must have consent. This is non-negotiable. Even if you’re currently having sex, and you decide to whip out the dragon dildo, and your partner backs out, sex is over.


Most people wait until nighttime to get it on, but this has its own set of problems. In apartment/dorm-style housing, this is a rookie mistake. “But Mike,” I hear you calling through cyberspace, “West C/Kistler/pretty much any hall other than Niemeyer Honors housing parties all the time! Nobody is even home at night!” What you might not realize is that the handful of people who ARE trying to sleep at 10 p.m. are also the kind of people who will complain, or more excitingly, kick your door down mid-pump and pop your balloons.


Pay attention to your building-the best time for the no-pants-dance might actually be during broad daylight, when everyone is in class. Although hundreds of movies make college out to be either a sexual paradise or a minefield for sex life-ruining blunders, if you remember to use contraception and some common courtesy, it’s easy to prevent your life from turning into some shitty Ryan Reynolds frat comedy. Now go out there, and remember to spring a little extra for the better balloons. The dollar store ones suck.

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