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Grand Valley State

GVSU Investigation: The Cagening

 

Everyone knows Nick Cage and how he is the dankest meme to have ever existed. (Also, National Treasure is amazing.) Someone on campus tried to spread this dank meme all over campus via sticker to the point where it has become oversaturated and undervalued. You know…the laws of inflation and whatnot.

 

In order to get to the bottom of this absurdity some are calling “The Cagening,” an investigator, Redditor, and “Dank Meme Analyzer” set off to find the culprit. His name? Albert “T. Haas” Einstein.

 

He set off on his quest to locate the various Nick Cage stickers at 9:00 a.m. on one cool, crisp, October morning. The first sticker located was found on the walkway sign between Calder and South Campus Dr. There was a note attached to it portraying just a normal GV logo. Upon closer inspection, however, something was amiss.

 

 

“A closer view of the sticker, when held in the direct sunlight showcased the illuminati triangle, which would be evidence that this was not just a random placement of the sticker. The investigation has to go on,” Albert said with a hardy laugh and a long stride forward into the ferocious winds of Allendale.

 

Various clues from random students walking to class helped to lead our hero to the next scene: the sticker embellished across the trash compactor behind Niemeyer.

 

 

“Was this indicative of Nick Cage being trash? Does it have a deeper rhetoric? Will I ever get a girlfriend? I don’t know,” remarked Albert “T. Haas” Einstein, “Who would do this? I just don’t understand.”

 

More students gave hints and suggestions as to where he could find the next Nick Cage sticker, “Probably, like, inside a tuba or something,” said tuba-player Jason Sax, “By the way, I know you didn’t ask, but, uh, it totally wasn’t me putting the stickers over campus.”  Albert looked inside each brass instrument he could find. Nothing.

 

On Albert’s walk back to his “illegally” parked car because ain’t no one gonna pay $300+ for a parking permit, he found Nick’s head plastered across one of the rare and elegant “Vehicle traffic prohibited” signs found only in the most prestigious neighborhoods of dormitories on campus.

 

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“They are trying to tell us something, but what?” he said as he slammed his fist against the sign, Nick’s face falling to the ground before being blown away, “Majestic,” Albert whispered as he wiped a tear from his eye.

 

As he began to unlock his car, a shadow cast over his face. Looking up, Albert couldn’t believe what he was seeing. This was not an ordinary shadow, it was the shadow of the GV water tower, and something was not right.

 

 

“I looked up at the water tower and there was Nick Cage’s face on top of where the GV logo was supposed to be,” he said with a tone of astonishment and awe in his voice. “Whoever is doing this is not doing it for the lulz. They are trying to convey something deep and horrible…or maybe it is just for the lulz.”

 

Finally, as he sat in the seat of his shit Toyota, a unsettling noise startled him. While looking for the source of the noise, he was astounded to see an airplane flying very low to the ground over the GVSU campus with a Nicolas Cage sticker covering the entire side of the aircraft. With a cold sweat and a mumbled F-bomb, Albert could do nothing more but watch in awe and wonder.

“Who is this person and why are they doing this? I need answers. I need to know, why it is Nick Cage? I need to know,” he cried in desperation, “I WILL find out who’s doing this. I WILL.”

 

The answers to life’s mysterious memes may never be fully answered, but many will speculate and think that they may have solved them. Albert “T. Haas” Einstein, on the other hand, knows that there is not truth behind dank memes, only mystery and lulz.

 

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