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Grand Valley State

GVSU Phone Sex Hotline

 

 

“Helllllo, Lakers! Welcome to Grand Valley State University’s own phone sex hotline. You’re talking with me, President Thomas J. Haas, but some of you probably know me better as T. Haas.

 

First, my staff and I would like to thank you for contributing to Grand Valley with your dutiful patronage to this hotline. These new-fangled buildings don’t pay for themselves!

 

*insert forced laughter*

 

And now, it’s our turn to help you. Press one if you’d like to hear what’s currently happening with your tuition money. Is my secretary rolling around in a giant pile of it? Possibly. Or maybe I used it to placate some Alumni. It’s a hot mystery so press one to find out. I can almost promise it isn’t a lie and that it’s at least a little dirty.

 

If you’re one who wants to be a bad kitten, press two to role play the classic bad schoolgirl/schoolboy fantasy. We know you like to pay attention to those hot chili meters on rateyourproffesor.com, so let’s help you relieve some of that tension. You’ll be prompted to choose which professor you’d like to role-play with for only a small fee added to your student account!

 

To hear a titillating story from my days as a college student, press three. Oh, and boy oh boy do I have some good ones! We certainly didn’t have sexting back then, but that never stopped us.

 

*more forced laughter*

 

Of course now I’m more of a family man…

 

If you’d like to hear what my lovely wife and I did over the summer, press four. Without giving too much away, it’s basically the PG-13 and above activities we couldn’t include in the Welcome Back video. Saucy, we know!

 

You can press five to listen to the deans of each college list their favorite places on campus to hankey-pankey. This one is both racy and informational. What a deal!

 

Of course if you would like to talk to an operator about your bill, press six. A representative will be with you shortly. However, we ask that you keep all criticisms, critiques, and comments polite and friendly.

 

On the off chance that you have found this whole exchange to be “off-putting” and/or “more disgusting than that time you walked in on your parents during coitus,” let us know and press seven.

 

For tax purposes, we need to keep track of that sort of information. Para escuchar en español, presione ocho.

 

And lastly, press 9 to hear me, your president, read my top three fanfics. And here’s a hint: My Little Pony’s not just for kids!

 

Well Lakers, this has been your president T-Haas with Grand Valley’s phone sex hotline. Stay sexy!”

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