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GVSU Student Found Napping in Cocoon Since 1968


Cocooning yourself into blankets; everyone has done it and it has been pretty much safe. That is, until Rebecca Rodrick from the class of 1970 was found in Robinson Living Center in a cocoon she had wrapped herself in back in 1968. She’s still alive but the effects of being in a practical coma has taken its toll on her body as she literally started to sprout butterfly wings. Just kidding! But she looked pretty fucked up.


Felicia Brown, the student who found her, stated, “I was just going to go poop in the communal bathroom when I heard a noise coming from an unoccupied dorm room. I knocked on the door and found that it was unlocked and smelt like my grandma’s house. I then spotted Rebecca in the corner, next to a record machine, in a cocoon of blankets. I immediately contacted my RA and then proceeded to go poop because I had way too much Qdoba!”


Rebecca was pronounced alive but seemed to still be in a state of deep sleep and apathy towards everything else. She was able to utter the words “10 more minutes,” before the cocoon wrapped itself tighter against her body.


But how is something like this such a potentially harmful activity?  Why was this woman unable to move even after over 40 years of resting? Are the blankets the ones that are targeting us? Authorities and experts in “Blanket-ology” answer some of these questions, we think.


Al Albertson explained that “Cocoons are becoming more and more dangerous as students simply use them as a way to conceal their deepest fears, such as their studies or their exams. As students become more apathetic, the blankets start to gain control to the point where people are utterly submerged in these doom blankets until an external force awakens them and unwraps the blankets.”


T. Haas has submitted a public warning to all who may engage in this particularly dangerous activity: “Us Lakers need to take a stand against this horrendous act. We must actually tackle our fears and, like, do shit, or else we may end up just like poor Rebecca.”


Rebecca’s family has been contacted and she is in the hospital making a cull recovery and is expected to resume her degree in English this fall. Authorities have also questioned her parents and family as to why no one ever said anything after 40+ years about how their daughter was yet to be seen.


“How about why hasn’t GV checked that dorm in over 40 years, hm? We just thought we’d give her some time because school was stressing her out. If we just stayed away while she hid from her troubles in her blankets, we believed that she would emerge a… so to speak… a butterfly. Maybe we gave her a little too much time though,” said Thomas, her father. 


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