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Grand Valley State

If Laker Professors Gave a Truthful Syllabus

Instructor: Clarence Fishmen, Ph.D                                                       

Phone: 669-696-9696…hehe

Office: Does it matter? I won’t be there for office hours anyway.

Email: — but don’t try to send me an email, I won’t respond.

Office Hours: Monday 8-9 a.m., Friday 8-9 a.m. only because I know you won’t be there, so I can sleep in.

Textbook: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find ThemYou need the newest, most expensive text (that I “wrote”) though we won’t actually use it.

Blackboard: I post everything to BB, along with all your grades and assignments. Problem is, I’m a much bigger procrastinator than you and I won’t do it until the night of. 

Course Description: I will be attempting to woo you with fancy jargon and long lectures using PowerPoint, but I really just know you’ll be asleep. This course will be on creatures, mythology, and everything that isn’t relevant to your education here at GV but it counts as a gen-ed anyway. I Google half the stuff I use, but I’ll be upset if you Google stuff for your homework. With that said, here’s a brief synopsis: just show up for exams.

Course Objectives: By the end of this course, I hope you will have learned something and have at least passed the class. I want to keep my job just as much as you would like to stay here and get wasted every weekend. If you all fail, I lose my job and you’re removed from the university. It’s a lose-lose, so, just study or pay some kid to do your work. I don’t care.

Exam 1:      3,000 pts     1%
Exam 2:      1,500 pts     5%
Final:           100 pts       94%

Grading Scale:
A = Doesn’t exist
A- = Nice try
B+ = Could do better
B = You were an A, but I didn’t like you
B- = You were a B, but I didn’t like you
C+ = At least you showed up
C = Here’s some pity so you could pass and my class passing average stays up
C- = Thanks for laughing at my jokes
D+ and anything below = You’re not ready for college, bye.

Make-Up Exams/Late Work: I don’t allow it. I refuse to be lenient with you because A) you had a lot of time. I know what you were doing instead of homework and your mother would not be proud. B) this takes up my time to come and proctor your sorry ass for not showing up. Sucks to suck.

Attendance: I REQUIRE YOU TO ALWAYS BE HERE ON TIME. DO NOT MISS. NO MISS. NO. But I’ll call off about a third of the classes because I’m too tired/hungover/annoyed to come to class. And don’t worry, I’ll post a note on the door instead of emailing you.

Class Courtesy: I expect you to treat your classmates as competition. Make class a race and fight to the death over the winning grade. Do whatever you can to sabotage each other; I want to see some tears.

Academic Honesty: Here is some bullshit that GVSU requires me to put on every syllabi.If you’re going to cheat, at least do it well so I don’t have to deal with it later.

Week 1:            Class
Week 2:             Class
Week 3:            Class
Week 4:             Class
Week 5:             Class
Week 6:             Class
Week 7:             PARTY…JK CLASS
Week 8:             I want to go home too…but class
Week 9:             Class
Week 10:           Class
Week 11:           Don’t we have a break soon?
Week 12:           Class, again 🙁
Week 13:           Probably going to call this week off.
Week 14:           Class
Week 15:           Class

The final exam will be during week 14, but you have to show up to the two hour exam period anyway.

Now go ahead and throw out this syllabus; we all know none of us will use it.


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