Connect with us
Connect with us

Grand Valley State

Late Professor Learns to Operate Class VCR, Accidentally Plays Porno

After decades of living free of technological progress, 90 year-old Professor Annabella Centarious  finally learned how to properly use the VCR at the behest of a fellow department colleague.

old-woman

Normally in her class, PED 272 Reproductive Health, she would use anatomically correct dolls in lecture to discuss proper positioning for baby-making purposes. Since she had been using the same dolls since the 1970s in lecture, when they finally fell apart she decided to update her tools. She acquired a “Baby Making” tape from VCR69industries on Amazon which reports on their page to be: “Honest, thrilling, and engaging material for all baby-making needs” and “You will awaken educated by this climax!”

While previously there had been incidents of Professor Centarious being found completely covered in VCR tape, and allegedly attempting to insert blank CDs into a projector to “show what sound is made of,” this time was far more tragic.

After successfully putting the tape into the system and dancing for long enough to throw a hip out, Annabella became aware of what kind of video she had acquired for her class. Pain of a dislocated hip was quickly overwhelmed by the shocking realization of what she had done. She was struck immediately with grief and fell to the floor. When she hit the floor, the only sound in the room, according to  a physical therapy major Max Falp, was skin flapping and the moaning in the video he described as “disingenuous” and “unbelievable.”

Once the students had finished snapping the event to social media, calls were made to anyone who could help, but most students remained in their seats in a move that paramedics later called: “honest, orderly, and a little bit heroic,” praising students for remaining calm in such trying times.

The first responder, a student IT worker, came into the room to help alleviate concern and made the bold move of turning the computer on and off before declaring the problem unsolvable and leaving. Moments later, a group of paramedics showed up to handle the Professor. Declaring her dead on the spot from shock, paramedics were shocked that anyone could have done CPR to resuscitate her but didn’t; a statement that was met with mostly silence and some coughing.

The Black Sheep called to local university president T-Haas to get comment on the issues and the phone call was incredibly short as Titanium Haas responded to the question: “What is your take on the recent in-class death of your esteemed Professor Annabella Centarious?” with “OMG you got me good this time, Gondie, lol better luck next time,” before hanging up.

Further investigation revealed Oldnia Gondie as the new oldest teacher on campus at the ripe age of 80 years. In the wake of this event several parents have come forward and declared intent to sue the deceased for giving such graphic material in class.

Many have gathered across from events location in Mackinac Hall to protest the mounting lawsuit as being infringing on rights of freedom of education and free speech. The school administration has remained silent on the topic and not expected to make any more comments in the coming months.

 
Continue Reading

More from Grand Valley State

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top