Grand Valley State University’s popularity has skyrocketed as a post-secondary education destination, pushing campus into a constant project of growth and remodeling. With more than 25,000 students currently enrolled in GVSU, new construction projects, and each incoming freshman class being “bigger than the last,” GVSU is running out of room for parking.
Parking has always been a nightmare: students needed to be to class an hour in advance to get a parking spot or resort to animalistic violence to snag a space. Daily passes, previously free, now cost a fee and the price for a student parking pass has increased to a whopping $400 per semester even though there’s no guarantee of actually finding a parking space for you and your red, scratched 2007 Toyota Camry.
One student, Clarence Fishmen, has imagined a creative and profitable solution: Fishmen has decided to pimp out his parking pass.
Fishmen looks at pimping in the old-school way, where a man charges other desperate men to have sex with one of his hoes, not any of that Pimp My Ride “TV in your car” bullshit. In this case, it’s broke and desperate college students who have succumbed to the capitalist dog of the university, but still need to be able to get to and from campus.
“I plan on putting my pass up for auction,” Fishmen said. “Every day when I’m done with it, I will simply access the Facebook group I’ve created, appropriately named Parking Pass THIS GVSU! — and see who gives me the best offer for the time left on campus. It’s not a guaranteed hit that one of the suckers will be able to get a parking spot, but that’s the game you’ve got to play.”
News of Fishmen’s plan is spreading all over the GVSU Facebook pages where students without the bank of mommy and daddy are already trying to join the exclusive group. “They have to look rich,” Fishmen stated. “I can’t afford to sell this pass out to broke-ass people. I need to make a profit.” Fishmen went on to say he didn’t want people to think he was being helpful because he doesn’t “do” charity work; it’s just not “cool.”
“I think it’s a decent idea,” said junior Ross Worthington, “I can’t afford $400 a semester, especially when I’m only on campus two days a week. I’ve been waiting to be approved for Fishmen’s group for the last two weeks. Is he dead or what?” Worthington later discovered Fishmen’s requirement of “looking rich” and is currently searching for a professional photographer to take some glamour shots for his profile.
Some of the other students who are well off enough to buy their own pass are following Fishmen’s ideology on pimping out their parking permit. A few are starting the much more affordable penny auction while others and more stupidly trying to sell the passes back to students for $600. Sadly, those who waited until last minute to get a pass from the University have had to shell out the large sum as GV sold out.
Students are wondering why GVSU doesn’t just get their shit together and build another parking lot or a parking structure: “It’s just easier this way,” said Parking Services Officer Gladys Knight.
Until Grand Valley puts an end to their shenanigans and understands that not all college kids come from a well-to-do family who can afford to give their left tit for a parking spot, pimping seems to be the next best option. The alternative is a $20 parking ticket from GVPD. “GVSU will remember in three years if you don’t pay the ticket and won’t let you graduate,” said Fishmen, “GVSU always remembers.”