In an unprecedented vote last Friday, Grand Valley State University faculty and students decided to physically push the campus somewhere else in the following weeks in preparation for the coming winter.
“The truth is that Grand Valley was always designed to be easy to push,” said Brent Davis, head of the newly-established Push Committee for Grand Valley. “The Clock Tower actually functions as a sort of key to the base of the campus. We rotate that and the entire base comes loose. Pushing the campus is as easy as building a snowman, which is something Lakers won’t be forced to do this winter.”
The decision was made after short deliberation and discussion amongst Grand Valley representatives and board members, before being voted for in a landslide victory. “Winter’s just getting worse and worse,” said Eunice DeWitt, a Board representative. “Everyone here talks a big game and says they love winter, but then winter actually comes and they get even more miserable than they already are. We felt pushing the campus somewhere else just made sense.”
Students’ reactions to the vote have been positive: “At first, I thought I would be sad spending the winter somewhere else,” said junior Lauren Pettifyr, “But then I looked back at my Facebook statuses from last year, and I was so sad and angry when it was winter. I completely forgot about it when summer came.” She paused, her thought trailing off. “And now I’m forgetting how nice summer felt…I think that’s just what living in Michigan is; forgetting how terrible winter is when it’s spring or something.”
We asked her if she had any preferences where the school was pushed, but she’d already seemed to have tuned out the world around her as she entered existential crisis.
The school’s ultimate destination has not yet been determined, but everyone agrees warm weather is the obvious way to go: “We’re thinking we’ll just figure out where we’ll go as we push it,” said Davis. “We’ve got a few ideas in mind. One place we’re definitely leaning towards is Austin, Texas. It’s warm, it’s famous for its beer, which Lakers will definitely appreciate, and the racist students and faculty won’t have to go too far to find company.”
Davis insisted that their destination is definitely somewhere warmer, “California’s a possibility. Students will love the idea of surfing after classes, and San Diego is famous for its beer, which Lakers will definitely appreciate. The main problem,” he admitted, “will be getting the campus over the mountains. But if we head out west, we’ll literally climb that mountain when we come to it.”
When asked who’s doing the pushing, Davis claimed that social media has already been recruiting volunteers. The push of the campus, labelled as #TheBigPush, will begin on Monday, November 30th after students return from Thanksgiving Break. “The break gives them a chance to stock up food for energy,” said Davis.
All Grand Valley students are expected to meet by the Grand Valley gate, and after a speech from President Haas, students will be expected to push. Any non-Lakers who are on campus when the big push begins are advised to either jump off or adapt to their new lives in the campus’ ultimate destination.