Grand Valley has been caught off-guard by the weather, or lack thereof, this winter. Though Lakers are used to unpredictable shifts in winter temperatures, we aren’t used to having no snow on the ground this far into December. In a startling report released Tuesday afternoon, a GVSU Introduction to Atmospheric Study class determined that Grand Valley’s Ultimate Frisbee Club has been a major force in this winter’s uncharacteristically warm weather.
The study used emissions data gathered in the air above the GVSU campus, and noted that the areas of highest emission activity were student residence centers around the campus. When no relationship between the centers could initially be determined, students crafting the study noticed that emissions were highest on Monday nights, when the campus Ultimate Frisbee Club holds its weekly meet-ups.
“We began to suspect that the GVSU Ultimate Frisbee Club was intentionally doing damage to the environment when they still wore shorts in November,” said Jessica Flandry, a junior in the group that made the discovery. “We decided we’d try to send one of our own to infiltrate their group and see if we could gather intel.”
The group voted that Arin DeWitt, a sophomore majoring in political science, would be their voice on the inside, purchasing him a regulation club uniform and a collection of Dave Matthews Band CDs to keep in his car. Their investigation hit a snag when DeWitt stopped reporting.
“He messaged us letting us know that the club president was telling them to leave all their lights on at night, and that he was going to be driving by the members’ apartments to make sure he could see through the windows,” continued Flandry. “We haven’t heard from him since. We think this means he’s either been killed or, god forbid, he’s come to enjoy playing Frisbee.”
Just when it seemed their investigation had hit a dead end, the team caught a lucky break when one of the league’s own stepped forward to speak against it.
“They were very insistent that the weather stay nice as long as possible so the team can play longer,” said an Ultimate Frisbee Club member who only goes by Chet. “They would tell us to do anything possible to hurt the environment. They’d tell us to take our trash to the roofs and burn it. Sometimes we’d leave our cars running in the parking lot during our afternoon games. If we forgot, they’d scream at us and force us to roll the windows up and sit inside to teach us a lesson.”
“The worst night,” Chet continued, “was when the forced us to gather up a bunch of cows and put them in one place, ya know, induce methane gas in Allendale. Pardon the pun, but cow tipping is bullshit, and you can’t get a cow to do what you want it to do no matter how hard you try. Plus, we felt really bad about stealing them.”
The GVSU Ultimate Frisbee Club declined our requests for comment or interview, but that doesn’t mean the study has come to a halt: “We won’t rest until we find a way to shut. Them. Down,” said Flandry as she smashed her fist on the table.