It’s very common to want alone time to masturbate in private, get away from your ex, or have to hide from GVPD after stealing Louie the Laker’s mascot costume. Luckily we’re here to help with ten places on campus that you can obtain that peace and quiet, as well as hide your ass from the law:
10.) Underwater in Zumberge Pond by Kirkhof:
Get in that filthy pond and disappear for a while. The only oxygen you’ll have is coming from a tiny straw that you stole from Connection the other day, but you’ll risk it to get away from everyone for even a second. If you lose the straw, you’ll suffocate and die, thus having no need to hide anymore! Win-win.
9.) Career Center:
You’re probably wondering where the heck it is, so that just tells you that it’s a very good hiding place. Good luck actually finding it yourself though!
8.) Porta Potty:
There’s one in between the tennis courts and the field house that looks like your perfect size. You can moan as loud as you want in there, even if someone hears you, no one will want to open it. You’ll finally have the privacy you so desperately desire.
7.) Pew Library Elevator:
The library itself may be busy, but there’s nothing preventing you from stopping the elevator and hiding in there for the rest of eternity. At least until a hot firefighter guy comes in and “recues” you, or T.Haas tells you to get out. You must listen to him because he is your leader.
6.) Under the GV Rock outside Copeland:
If Patrick Star is able to live under a rock, so can you. Use a crowbar to lift the rock up so that you can fit your entire body completely underneath it. All you have to remember is to replace the crowbar before it breaks and smashes your bones into a million pieces, and you’ll be golden.
5.) Inside the Clock Tower:
It may be extremely loud and will make your eardrums bleed for the next year, but you won’t have to deal with anyone for quite some time. You may need a key to get inside, we suggest you just hide until someone comes and opens it then sneak in. Double the hiding, fun!
4.) Theatre Building:
The majority of campus hasn’t been inside of this building and never will by the time they graduate. It’s highly unlikely they’ll even know where it is unless they’re one of those theatre majors. Go inside and hide under the stage. You won’t be found by anyone important.
3.) Underneath the Blue Arch:
Stand in the middle of the blue arch and no one will be closer than three feet from you. No one will take the chance that they’ll be cursed and fail all their finals just to say hi to you. All you’ll really need to do is to put headphones on to drown out anyone who does try yelling over to you.
2.) Trail Behind the Calder Arts building:
Take all the food you stole from Fresh and pack it in your backpack. It’s time to go hiking and get yourself lost for a few hours, or days. Don’t even bother bringing your phone or a map, because if you’re never found, then that’s truly the ultimate success.
1.) Alumni House:
Walking into this luxurious building with your itchy grey wig, and makeup professionally done by yourself to look 50 years old will be your ticket to freedom. You’re the proud “parent” of John Doe and are visiting him while he gets awarded for most clueless student on campus. No one will disturb you while you stay here because they won’t even be able to recognize you. Just don’t look at the bill while you enjoy your overpriced stay.
We’re all Lakers for a Lifetime, but that doesn’t mean we have to constantly be with each other 24/7. So next time you find yourself needing to hide from every single person on campus, try one of these places. Your results may vary.