Now that celebrating the end of the semester has died down, you realize: all your friends who graduated are leaving. They’re getting real jobs and moving halfway across the country! How are you supposed to maintain your friendship? We’ve got some ideas:
10.) Spend hours coordinating schedules only to have plans fall through:
Hey, there’s no better bonding experience than copious messages back and forth to make plans! It’s only rivaled by the soul-crushing experience when one of you cancels last minute.
9.) Text them memes at odd hours of the night:
What better way to show your love by texting dat boi to your bestie at 3 a.m.? Who cares if the notification wakes them up? You miss them!
8.) Tag them in random videos on Facebook with no context:
If they don’t reply to your sporadic texts, maybe something more public is necessary. There’s nothing like a video of a storm trooper air humping to show your appreciation. Especially where their family can see.
7.) Stalk their old apartment (whether they live there or not):
Even if they moved out a month ago, their old place must still smell like them, right? If you can’t spend time with them, you can at least pretend you’re hanging out before the new tenant comes back.
6.) Blow up their Snapchat with 24 hours of bees:
When all other social media fails, use Snapchat! While they send the occasional selfie here and there, be sure to bombard them with dozens of videos of bees flying.
5.) Perform a Satanic summoning ritual to trap them in your room:
Hey, what’s selling your soul for some quality time with your best friend? Shame they can’t leave the summoning circle. Just toss them snacks through the barrier and put on a movie!
4.) Throw them in your car and keep them for a weekend:
Hey, if schedules never line up, you have to hang out somehow. It’s not kidnapping if it’s been meaning to happen. They’ll thank you for the weekend away from work later. Probably.
3.) Surgically conjoin your right leg with their left:
This one may be costly, but hey, it’ll be worth it to be with your best friend. Walking may take some getting used to, but what’s a few trips down the stairs?
2.) Join a blood pact with them:
If number five scares you, this’ll be an easier way to invoke otherworldly power to keep your friendship. At the very least you’ll carry a piece of them with you. Always.
Who are we kidding? No tips or tricks are going to change the fact that your friendship is one missed text from disappearing. Just accept your fate and erase your search history of “kidnapping techniques.”
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