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Grand Valley State

Top 10 Ways We Were All Suckered Into Attending GVSU

If we’re being completely honest, GVSU is quite ordinary. The food is below average, it’s not very diverse, and it’s located in the middle of corn fields. Sure, the Lakers that attend love their school, but during their first tour when the wind nearly knocked them into the ravines, what made them want to come here? If you’re wondering why so many people were suckered into attending GVSU, here are the reasons why:

10.) The Rapid bus system:
Expectation: The Rapid busing is great because it’ll take you just about anywhere in the greater Grand Rapids area, for free and on time!

Reality: You wait an hour for the bus, it never comes, and you end up stranded in Standale at 2 a.m. after the bar closes. During the 1/3 times it does come, you have to sit on someone else’s lap because it’s so jam-packed, considering it’s the only one that has actually shown up all day.

9.) Laker Bowls:
Expectation: Louie eats one of these bad boys every morning! It’s the best dish on the entire planet; one that Lakers would die for. The pictures shown in the GVSU brochures make your mouth water; you know in this moment, GV is the school for you!

Reality: You get a dish of watery mashed potatoes, burnt popcorn chicken, a few flakes of cheese, and a lot of diarrhea. Tears stream down your face as you choke it down because real Lakers eat this stuff, and you want to fit in here.  

8.) “Get wet Lakers:”
Expectation: You’re applying from Texas. You heard GV has a motto about getting wet, and you’ve never seen rain before in your life. It sounds like a dream, one you must see for yourself!

Reality: It snows, all the fucking time, even in the summer. You’ve never seen snow before either, but that must’ve been what they meant when they said, “get wet,” because you show up to class every day soaking wet, half from the lake effect, half from your tears.

7.) Freshmen can bring their cars:
Expectation: GV is the only school in Michigan that lets fresh meat keep their cars on campus, so honestly, where else would you apply? It’ll be so great getting to drive to class in the winter!

Reality: There is one parking space for every three students on campus. You drive around for hours trying to find a spot, and when you do, it’s eight miles away from your dorm. You could break a bone and you still wouldn’t feel inclined to leave campus and drive to the hospital, as that would mean losing your precious spot, so in the end, having a car is pointless.

6.) Small class sizes:
Expectation: There won’t be 100 people in all of your classes so you’ll have a better class experience. The professor will know who you are, and you’ll get to know all of your classmates!

Reality: Everybody sits in the back and avoids each other. The professor barely talks, and you watch movies every class period. The class size is so small that he knows when you skip class or fall asleep during lecture. Nobody is safe.

5.) Cool sculptures:
Expectation: You’d love to go to a school with unique artwork. It means they’re not boring and it shows how supportive they are of student creativity!

Reality: You can’t walk under certain sculptures without the student body literally flipping out. Obnoxious visitors stand by them, screaming that you’re going to Hell.  

4.) Liberal arts college:
Expectation: Everyone will share your same liberal views. Nobody that voted for Tr**p will attend. There will be safe spaces!

Reality: 80% of the student body voted for the orange Cheeto man. The school is actually on the Bible Belt. You’ll be asked to join Campus Ministry almost every day in Kirkhof.

3.) Ravine hiking trails:
Expectation: You can wake up every morning and go on a beautiful hike before class; it’ll be so convenient!

Reality: The trails are muddy swamps. If you don’t end up getting lost, you’re truly lucky. Most students don’t make it out; sometimes you can hear the screams of forgotten Lakers still trying to find their way back to main campus.

2.) Parties:
Expectation: Every college has parties, but GV is in the middle of nowhere so they won’t get busted as easily!

Reality: The cops have literally nothing else to do in such a small town that they create Twitter and Snapchat accounts to find and bust every party ever thrown. Every student gets 10 MIPs before they turn 21.

1.) Lots of clubs to join:
Expectation: You will join 50 different clubs and meet so many different people. GVSU has got it all!

Reality: If you aren’t athletic, into Greek life or religious, there are no clubs for you to join. You won’t make any friends, and you’ll have a miserable four years here.

GVSU will say just about anything to snatch up unknowing prospective students. If only you knew what you were getting yourself into, white baggers!

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