With Valentine’s Day coming up, it’s probably time to start thinking about where you’re going to be taking your hot, or average-looking, date. Without having a car and knowing that the bus schedule on Sundays won’t allow for a romantic Rapid ride downtown, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of the best, sexiest places to take your date around Allendale this Valentine’s Day.
5.) Corn Field:
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Dead and desolate; just like your love life! What’s absolutely fantastic about Allendale is that we’re entirely surrounded by corn fields, which just so happen to be the most versatile of fields. They work great for Halloween, even better for Thanksgiving, and sometimes for Christmas. Now it’s time to bring corn to the love holiday. Take your date for a romantic walk through the stalk nubs, and then take a blanket and watch the stars. Yeah it’ll be cold but looooooove will keep you warm. Just be warned when laying down, those nubs can be sharp.
Meijer is the ultimate date destination. It can be in walking distance of your shitty off-campus townhouse if you believe hard enough, and it offers so much to do. Map a route through Meijer, stopping first in the pharmacy section to put on some makeup and steal some condoms in case you think you’re getting’ lucky (you won’t be). Follow that up with a teddy bear from the toys section that screams “I LOVE YOU.” Meijer even has conveniently placed televisions so you and your date can watch a movie at the store’s expense. You can end the night by watching lobsters fight and picking up a frozen dinner. Just make sure you put everything back when you’re done to save yourself some money.
3.) Campus Dining:
Why pay for a meal out with a date when you already have a meal plan that could cover it? Take your hot date right on over to Fresh. It’s so fancy because it’s all you can eat and you never know exactly what you’re getting. Go for lunch and stay until dinner, hogging the booth so other people can’t have it. Later that night you can bond over the fact that you can’t have sex because of all that diarrhea!
2.) The Arboretum:
It’s kind of like taking a nice walk in the park without having to leave campus. Walk hand in hand down the muddy trail on that freezing February day. It’s the perfect scenic location for you two to get a little closer (HINT: outdoor sex). Screw going out to dinner, just eat the winter berries and acorns off the vast variety of trees the Arboretum has to offer. Just make sure you double check one of those hiking guides. The Black Sheep is not to be held responsible for poisoning and deaths associated with eating the winter berries.
1.) Sketchy Chinese Place:
Nothing says romantic like the smell of deep-fried wontons and mystery meat. Take your date to the Chinese place by Meijer or that other one by Dollar General with the 10 year-old cashier. The small dining space in the front of the store is a surefire way of having a romantic time with your date who probably wouldn’t know culture or flavor if it bit her in the tit.
Good luck this Valentine’s Day, Lakers, we believe that it’ll be whatever you make it so… probably not that great.