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Grand Valley State

Wanted: 5 GVSU Students Desperate for Rent Money

 

Are you desperate to pay your rent this month, but still remain an unemployed scumbag? Well get your lazy ass out of bed and start applying for jobs this summer. Here are five jobs around GVSU in desperate need to fill fast:

 

 

Shopping Cart Relocation Specialist

 

Responsibilities:

  • You will be responsible for borrowing shopping carts from other companies and relocating them into the Save-A-Lot (Lake Michigan Dr.) parking lot during our business hours. Before the day ends, you will return them to their proper locations so no company becomes suspicious. You may have to work overtime if cops are on your tail for an extended period of time. Our goal is to save a lot of money and you’re our key to doing that.

WARNING: We will not bail you out of jail if you get caught because that would be your own damn fault for getting yourself in there.

 

Qualifications:

  • 1-3 year jail sentence is a plus
  • Able to run faster than a Rottweiler(s)
  • Accessibility to a getaway car may be useful

 

Apply now at save-a-lot.com/professional-at-stealing-shopping-carts

 

 

Head of Potatoes

 

Responsibilities:

  • Your responsibilities include, but are not limited to:
    • Checking for bruise marks on all the potatoes before Meijer (Wilson Ave.) opens and replacing the bad ones
    • Making sure there are 69 potatoes of each kind for each customer to choose
    • Standing next to the potatoes during the day, and answering any questions customers may have about the various ways to prepare potatoes

 

Qualifications:

  • Prior experience dealing with both mashed and sweet potatoes is a plus
  • Ability to stand for several hours
  • Ability to answer questions regarding any kind of potato

 

Apply now at: Meijer.com/potato-expert

 

 

Seller of Bongo Babies

 

Responsibilities:

  • With so much sex happening between the bongos at the John Ball Zoo, we need someone to sell their babies to the general public. You will be in charge of showing off these bongo babies to our visitors, and explaining to them our horny bongo situation in order to convince them to adopt one.

 

Qualifications:

  • Knowledge on Bongo sexual behavior habits is a plus, but not required as a video will be sent out to you to fully witness this process in action
  • Sales experience is a plus

 

Apply now at JohnBallZoo.com/horny-Bongo-situation-expert

 

 

Alcoholic Lemonade Stand Assistant

 

Responsibilities:

  • This is an undercover position that GVPD must not become aware of. You will be responsible for assisting the head alcoholic manager in the selling of our “100% lemonade” residing outside Kirkoff. You will offer students (and sometimes professors) a couple samples of our drinks to get them tipsy. You will continue to take advantage of their intoxication by getting them to purchase more until they are too drunk to function. You will help maintain our great relationship with Uber by having them escort the drunk person home after their wallet is empty.

 

Qualifications:

  • Ability to know when to tell someone we sell lemonade verses “lemonade”
  • Knowing the difference when someone is tipsy verses drunk
  • Ubers number on speed dial

 

Apply now at liquirstore.com/alcoholic-for-life

 

 

Petition Thug

 

Responsibilities:

  • You will be responsible for beating up any person (student, staff or visitor) who’s walking around asking for signatures on a petition. You will use torturous methods until they drop their clipboard, in which you will proceed to break in half over their head. Children under the age of 18 must not be attacked unless a parent is present.

 

Qualifications:

  • Past experience in either cross country, karate, boxing or wrestling is a plus
  • Ability to beat up anyone that asks to sign a petition
  • Ability to distinguish anyone under the age of 18
  • Access to a good lawyer

 

Apply now at GVSU.edu/thug-life

 

Now that you know five places you can apply to, you have no excuse not to get a summer job. Your rent is due next month, so get on it. You don’t have to be a Petition’s Thug or Seller of Bongo Babies forever, but it will become a great addition to your resume and provide you with a steady cash flow.

 

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