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4 Scientific Achievements That UIC Staff Accomplished In Order To Make The World A Better Place, Or Whatever

Yeah, science. It’s the reason your Juul works the way it does, but apparently it does more than that. In fact, we’ve been told that science does a lot of things. Cars? Science. Alcohol? Science. Twinkies? Fuckin’ science bro. Who would have thought? UIC has apparently helped to make some of these scientific breakthroughs, too. Here’s a short list of them or whatever.

4.) A potential cause of Alzheimer’s disease? Or was it a cure?:

I think we helped to cure Alzheimer’s? Or maybe we just found a cause? The article talks about how some nerd from UIC recently helped to discover a bacteria linked to Alzheimer’s. Considering that my grandma has Alzheimer’s, I should be a lot more invested in this. Sadly, I am not. What are we even talking about again?

3.) A UIC professor is developing a finger-prick blood test for toxic metals:

This kind of reminds of the time that Binky and I were vaping in an empty room in BSB. I took a thick hit and was about to exhale but then some lady walked in and asked for directions and I had to swallow all of the vape smoke and act all normal. It was really embarrassing because Binky laughed at me and told all of our friends. I don’t want to feel small like that ever again.

2.) UIC chemical engineers functionalized boron nitride with other nanosystems:

Wait a second… Functionalize? Boron? With? Those aren’t real words! These nerds think that they can just make up words now? They call themselves smart, but they can’t even learn real words! I’m sorry for the outpost dear reader, but this mockery of the English language has got me STEAMED. These nerds have gone too far!

1.) One guy is researching microwave attacks on our embassy workers:
So, this one is kind of cool I guess. Basically this professor is researching the use of “of the microwave auditory effect” as an offensive tool. Basically how it works is that–WAIT, WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I READ TOO MANY NERD ARTICLES. I GOT INFECTED WITH NERD. NOOOOOOOOO.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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