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6 Olympic Events That UIC Would Take Gold In

With the Winter Olympics underway, nations are showcasing their very best athletes. Coming home with gold is a privilege many will never experience. While UIC is worlds behind these Olympians, The Black Sheep decided it’d be great to compare world-class athletes to the scum that waltz around UIC. Move over Shaun White, we don’t care if you’re the world’s greatest flying tomato, here are 6 things that UIC would take the gold in.

6.) 100-Meter Slow Walk:

Meandering around the Quad for years and dreadfully dragging their feet to BSB since they came to campus, UIC students would be in great shape to take gold at the 100-Meter Slow Walk event. Sure the Jamaicans are fast, but could they slow down to walk slower than UIC’s “athletes”?

5.) Weaving Through Pedestrians Agility Test: 

While half of UIC’s population moves at a pace similar to a homeless man who contracted that nasty leg infection, there’s a small, elite group of students who can weave in and out of slow walkers and get to their classes without bumping into anyone. This elite group is UIC’s best bet at Olympic gold. Try slinking like that, you shifty Slavs.


4.) Pretending to be Deaf to Avoid Solicitors:

There’s nothing a UIC student despises more than an annoying, persistent salesman trying to con them into a pyramid scheme. Something commuters and campus residents alike both have a shot at placing in is in the Avoiding the Salespeople in SCE event. UIC’s student body is world-class at acting like they can’t hear someone who is trying to bother them. Let’s see you do that, Sweden.

3.) Napping in Public Places:

Walking through campus on any given day, it’s not uncommon to wander into someone sleeping in a place they shouldn’t. Whether it’s in-between bookshelves in the library or literally next to an escalator in SCE, you can always find someone sleeping somewhere where they’re likely to get robbed or stepped on. No matter what happens to these sleeping beauties, they will never stop. Can the Chinese do that?

2.) Finding Places to Study:

As UIC is growing in student population its campus is staying the same size. Finding a place to sit down and do homework is getting harder and harder to do. UIC’s students are accustomed to walking through the lib countless times before settling for a broken bench outside instead. That’s something those damn Germans could never pull off.

1.) Drinking with old Italians:

With Little Italy littered with old Italians and drunken college kids going out on Taylor Street makes for an interesting experience. The mix of crowds that hit Taylor bars give UIC kids an advantage over Canada and the Austrians in the Drinking With the Old Italians competition. Not only can UIC kids party with old Italians, but they can also keep up with the constant bitching and complaining they do. The only country that could compete is maybe Italy itself.

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