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6 Things Your Mom Would Ask If She Saw You at Little Joe’s

The college bar scene is generally one which mothers look down upon with admonishment in their voices. Your mom doesn’t want to hear about your youthful debauchery over Thanksgiving dinner – she wants to hear about how hard you’re studying. Here’s a few questions your mom would ask if she actually saw you at Little Joe’s on a Monday.

 

6.) “How many beers are in one of those?”:

The best deal at Little Joe’s is the pitcher deal, especially on half-off Mondays. Obtaining excessive volume of alcohol is the first thing on a college student’s mind, and pitchers fulfill that mission for the low. Coming in at a whopping $5, a pitcher of PBR on half-off night is about $1 a beer – so that means there’s almost 5 in there, mom.

5.) “What are you wearing in this weather?”:

Now that fall is officially here, it may not be the best idea to go out without a coat anymore – but that doesn’t apply to UIC students. Myriad arguments can be made advocating leaving the coat at home – what if it’s stolen? What if there’s nowhere to put it? We’re walking distance, It’ll be fine – but that doesn’t mean those are valid arguments. Moms everywhere would be appalled seeing their frat boy son wearing a tank top to the bar when it’s 20 degrees out.

4.) “How are you so drunk already?”:

A phenomenon of youthful culture called “the pregame” is often the culprit. Why wait until you go out to get drunk when you can start by drinking Bacardi straight out of the bottle at 9 p.m.? They won’t let you get away with that in a bar, anyway. Your mom would likely be more upset after seeing what goes down at a UIC pregame, so it’s best just to stick to stories about the bar you barely remember when you see her again.

3.) “Why aren’t you studying?”:

Because this is college, mom. Classes rarely have daily homework and if they do it’s usually easy. Most students can get out of class by 2 p.m. and have their homework done by 8 p.m. – just in time for the 9 p.m. pregame. Another added benefit of college: most classes start much later than high school, allowing for sufficient hangover recovery the next day.

2.) “Why’d you buy so many shots?”:

‘Cause they’re only a dollar each and I had a $20 bill in my pocket!’ The dollar shot special at Little Joe’s is a collegiate favorite – cheap hard liquor that doesn’t break the bank. These shots are a hodgepodge of whatever they’ve got laying around behind the bar – what you’re getting is always a mystery, and not in the predictable way a Mystery Airhead always tastes the same.

1.) “How old is that man you’re talking to?”:

Little Joe’s holds a unique position in the UIC bar culture: it’s a place where old school Taylor Street Italians mingle with the undergraduate population that invaded their neighborhood. As a result, college girls are incessantly hit on by men that are easily twice their age. These guys are always willing to throw cash for shots to keep the conversation going, but they’re likely to get bled dry by all the girls that know he’ll buy a shot for five minutes of palaver.

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