We’ve all had nights out on Taylor Street that went a little too far. Drunken mistakes can range from negligible to humiliating. Here’s a rundown on some of the worst mistakes to make while inebriated.
5.) Online Shopping:
Everyone loves surprises. Receiving gifts from your drunken self in the mail the day after a night out sounds like a great surprise, right? Wrong. While it may sound enticing, that Amazon Alexa on your wishlist can wait a little longer. Nevertheless, every UIC student experiences the walk of shame from the UIC Amazon pickup facility in SCE to their front door with a $200 Amazon order they don’t remember placing.
4.) Doing Homework:
Ernest Hemingway famously said: “write drunk, edit sober.” You are not Ernest Hemingway. While it may not hurt your bank account, it can hurt you somewhere else – right in the GPA. From grammatical atrocities even your foreign TA will notice to thinking a multiplication sign means addition, drunken homework won’t get you anywhere. We’ve all seen the guy stumbling into Richard Daley Library at 2:30 a.m. after 10 Doors closed to “study” for his exam at 10 a.m.; don’t be that guy.
3.) Calling Your Ex:
This fuckup usually occurs after getting rejected at a party, but this call will make you feel even lonelier that you already do. You might feel as if you’re eloquently illustrating your love, but your ex doesn’t agree. Your slurred apologies and childish sobbing aren’t endearing – they’re annoying. Your argumentative skills at 2 a.m. are barely enough to convince your equally-inebriated friend to get Big G’s with you, but they aren’t even close to swaying a sober mind into your perspective – especially one that already hates you. Just delete their number now and you’ll avoid hearing an unpleasant voicemail in the morning.
2.) Body Modifications:
There’s a reason Taylor Street Tattoo has a sign on the door in all capital letters: “NO DRUNKS.” While it might be hard to get tatted in a real shop, your friend will invariably “know someone” in Courtyard who’s willing to give your drunk ass a stick-n-poke or piercing out of their dorm room. These mistakes have the potential for a lifetime of humiliation – that sloppy “I <3 10 Doors” tattoo won’t seem so cool in the morning. While tattoos are permanent, avoid piercings, too. Your ears might not hurt through your whiskey blanket, but it sure will sting your ego when you wake up in the morning and you’re a guy wearing girls’ earrings.
In-person humiliation isn’t enough in 2017; after all, if it’s not on social media did it really even happen? While broadcasting your idiocy post-10 Doors on a Snapchat Story might be embarrassing, at least you can review and delete segments in the morning. The real kickers are the direct Snaps – especially when your phone shows everyone screenshotted it. You won’t even remember what you sent until your birthday when your friends post it in an Instagram compilation of your most raucous moments in the last year.
Everyone has moments like these, don’t sweat when they happen. You might feel like crap for a week, but at least you’ve bagged a good story – even if it’s one you don’t personally remember.