From the comfort of his volcanic island lair found deep in the middle of the pacific, Dunkin Donuts CEO Juergen Dunkonovich revels in the misery of his latest victim, portrayed on a giant screen.
“My favorite part of the whole thing is watching the hope fade from their eyes,” said the CEO through a thick Austrian accent while petting a large white cat with his bionic arm, “It’s a work of art, like a Renoir.”
On the screen, while attempting to pay for his morning coffee from the SCE Dunkin Donuts, UIC sophomore Randy Smith was reminded by the cashier that the location did not take accept Flames Fare.
“I said ‘oh, my bad,’ and then got out my debit card,” said Smith, “It’s not a big deal, the $2.79 for my coffee was honestly nothing.”
The CEO’s uncontrollable cackling could be heard all throughout the metal halls of his secret island fortress as he replayed the scene over and over again.
“These pitiful UIC kids think that they can take away my profits? Destroy my business? I laugh at them. No one can try to pull a fast on Juergen Dunkonovich and not get inconvenienced for it!”
Flames Fare is a program offered in many UIC meal plans that allows students to purchase credit to be used in specific on-campus restaurants. It allows students who are low on money the chance to still eat out at many campus restaurants.
“When I first heard about it, I was disgusted,” Dunkonovich noted. “So much so that I put my entire moon laser project on hold just so that I could make these damned free-loaders pay.”
“I pulled my i-card out to pay and the guy told me that I couldn’t use it. I mean whatever, I used a gift card instead… he looked kind of scared,” Erica Rolse told The Black Sheep.
Dunkonovich has been the CEO of Dunkin Donuts since its inception, and is the mastermind behind several instances of global terrorism, extortion, arms dealing, and the Wake-Up Wrap. This isn’t his first crime against UIC, as he was the mastermind behind the four-semester language requirement for LAS students, and also the lack of windows in BSB.
“I even paid that one guy to please himself in the library a few weeks back,” Dunkonovich said.
Even after all of that, the Dunkin Donuts CEO claims he is only just getting started.
“This is only the beginning of my final revenge, my friend. Soon, the location will soon stop accepting Dragon Dollars as well, further inconveniencing these wasteful children. And finally, when their spirits are in tatters, and all they can do is give me their own money, then they have my permission to pay… for their drinks,” said Dunkonovich.