After the harrowing events depicted in last week’s story, we here at the UIC branch of The Black Sheep have decided to ensure that no UIC student will ever go without a comeback to their UIUC friend’s douchey comments ever again. Don’t call UIC shit! To help in this this righteous endeavor, we’ve put together a shortlist of comebacks guaranteed to put any Urbana jagoff back in their place. These comebacks can also be found in the self-defense section of the student health portal of the UIC website.
6.) “I’m sorry, who has the racist mascot again?”:
It’s 2018 Urbana; isn’t it time to look into ditching that racist as hell mascot? Call Sparky the dragon what you will, but at least he’s not a woefully out of touch caricature of some poor Native American dude. Sure, you’ve made attempts to change it, but at least at UIC we get it right the first time.
5.) “At least I won’t be swimming in debt”:
Urbana has become infamous for having one of the highest in state tuitions in the country. UIC on the other hand is relatively cheap, to the point where many students are able to pay for it on their own. Even if you don’t use this comeback, you can sleep safely notice that your friend will be destitute by the time he grabs his diploma.
4.) “Orange is a stupid school color”:
UIC’s red, white, and blue color scheme is very tasteful, easy to look at, and mildly patriotic. Urbana’s obsession with the color orange on the other hand is not only a visual crime but a health hazard, as apparently too much vitamin C can cause mild health issues like nausea and diarrhea. Let’s face it: UIUC doesn’t care about people’s health.
3.) “At least there’s stuff to do besides drinking”:
UIC students have the luxury of having an entire city full of fun and interesting stuff to do. You could go to Navy Pier, catch a Cubs game, or take a Snapchat of yourself flipping off Trump tower—the options are endless. In Urbana, students aren’t really able to do anything but drink themselves half to death. At UIC, you can appreciate some culturally significant artwork AND drink yourself half to death.
2.) “Remind us, who just bought a law school again?”:
That’s right ladies in gentlemen, UIC just recently bought the John Marshall Law school. Why? Because we god damn felt like it, bitchezzzzzzz. That’s not all either because UIC is renovating the shit out of itself, with new buildings and additions to existing ones expected to be completed in the next few years. Basically we took a good hard look at all of the financial troubles other Illinois schools were in and said, “Nah, miss us with that downsizing shit.”
1.) “Last time I checked, I’m not surrounded by corn”:
The big one, the comeback to end all comebacks. While sure Urbana admittedly has a lot more than UIC, none of that is worth anything when you remember that all of those fancy facilities are located out in the middle of nowhere. Sure the town of Urbana isn’t too shabby, but unless you find deep satisfaction in looking at miles and miles of corn, there really isn’t much else outside of the city limits. At least here in the city there are opportunities that you simply can’t find in Cornbana, and that says a lot. Call us when you’ve moved your campus to a world renowned city.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!
DM our twitter and we’ll take it from there!