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5 Schools That Would Absolutely Kick UIC’s Football Team’s Ass, If We Had A Team

Fall at nearly every other large university means one thing: football. And football means many things but perhaps most importantly, burning couches to protest loses, getting hypothermia in November because you were stupid enough to get pulled in to painting a letter on your chest, and burning couches to celebrate wins. But to be fair, does anyone really think that UIC having a football team would bring anything but pain? No, and here are teams that would make that pain worse if UIC football existed. 

5.) Notre Dame:

Surely God considers UIC’s campus such an offensive blight upon the miracle of his creation that by no means would he allow us to defeat his favored South Bend sons. Anything less than a five-score blowout would result in Touchdown Jesus casting thunderbolts down upon the damned UIC Flames.

4.) Northwestern:

Why that bunch of Ivy League rejects even has a team is difficult to understand. Maybe their average GPA was too high to calculate without a bunch if meathead bozos to bring it down. The fact remains that UIC would be eviscerated by that bunch of overachievers, considering that no self-respecting UIC student would bother to open the playbook more than five minutes before the game.

3.) Urbana-Champaign: 

The Fighting Illini really suck, but they do have almost 130 years of experience at it. A UIC football team would return from a trip to U of I with the same shell-shocked look and reduced lifespan of students who head down to Urbana to experience a university with an actual party scene.

2.) University of Michigan:

Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh has a lot of things going for him: more musical talent than Kanye (doesn’t take much), rage that could make UH crumble to the ground (also doesn’t take much), and a salary that breaks the bank. He would likely put all three of these on display as he made an upstart UIC team wish they had never heard of the words “ball” or “foot.”

1.) Iowa:

Wimpy UIC students, who are routinely over-exerted after having to walk across the world’s smallest campus, would stand no chance when Iowa unleashes their farm-raised children of the corn. Flattening UIC would probably give Iowa players a pleasant dose of nostalgia of back when they spent their formative years shoveling manure in the Heartland.

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