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‘Suburb Weed Just Isn’t What It Used To Be,’ Says All-Knowing Freshman Home For The Summer

NAPERVILLE – The disappointment in the room was almost palpable as returning University of Colorado Boulder freshman Peter Brown blew through most of his old high school stash without feeling so much as a little dizzy, his suburb weed stash clearly not living up to what he had smoked while away at school for the year. 

“It’s a little sad, brotendo,” Brown said. “Back in high school, one hit of this stuff would send me into a small coma. Now it takes me at least six or seven fat fucking doinks before I even get a small buzz.”

Brown has been an active consumer since his early high school days. When he finally arrived on campus at UC Boulder, Brown wasted no time in getting to know its plant life.

“I consider myself something of an expert now, and I honestly think nobody has an excuse to not be nowadays. It’s such a nuanced and layered world that I wouldn’t be surprised if someone without my expertise got lost in it,” Brown said. 

Before arriving at Boulder, Brown thought that the world or drugs began and ended with the bags of seasoning he had bought in high school.

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“Our dealer back in high school was a 20-year-old fat guy named Mitch. He would sell us his mulchy, stem-filled, and suspiciously oregano-smelling stuff out of the back of the local Arby’s that he used to manage. One time he hit on my sister,” Brown said. 

When Brown arrived at Boulder, all of that changed. Like a kid in a very dank candy store, Brown was able to pick from a wide variety of strains, and soon became something of a connoisseur. Gone were his days of bags half full of yard trimmings and Arby’s roast beef sandwiches.

“Honestly, I could name like 50 strains off of the top of my head right now,” Brown said. “I’ll name four: If you want to get crazy, there’s Australian Jackhammer, but if you want to take it slow, there’s President Bison Penis. My personal favorite though would have to be either Montana Dump Truck or Smurf Genocide.”

Brown considers himself such an authority on the substance that he has considered dropping out of college all together to become a professional cannabis scholar.

“I would be so good at it. That’s totally a job…right?” Brown asked. 

While Brown said multiple times that he had grown past his high school stash, he did say that he would be lying if his old supply didn’t make him feel nostalgic.

“There’s an innocence to it; an almost childlike sense of wonder and discovery that makes me reminisce about my days as a carefree wallflower. If only it still had any effect on me” Brown said, coughing loudly after taking a hit of the high school weed. 


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