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UIC Frat Bro Chooses Crushing $2 Hamm’s Over Crushing Midterms

With midterms coming up, The Black Sheep caught up with Tau Kappa Epsilon member and friendly alcoholic Sam Soapy at The Drum & Monkey, one of Taylor Street’s prime locations to get lit and forget about assignments due at midnight.

“Oh yeah, you can catch me at Drum & Monkey all week,” he told The Black Sheep. “I’ve only got like one exam this week… I think, but I’m not worried. I’ve been pulling out killer midterm scores since freshman year.”

Soapy, a regular at The Drum & Monkey, detailed his study plans for the week:

“Well, they have $2 cans of Hamm’s here every day,” he said finishing the last sip in his current can. “So since I have a math midterm coming up I planned to just add 2 a bunch of times then figure out the tip after. If I can do the math drunk I’ll have no problem doing it sober. It’s foolproof.”

The junior spoke about the perks of drinking rather than studying:

“For one, it’s more fun. That’s a given. I can play shuffleboard to my heart’s content. That’s another bonus. I plan not to give the board up at all this Thursday, I’m fully honing my craft and I should be in tip-top shape for the next time anyone tries to challenge my board skills. Plus, shuffleboard requires a bunch of math, so like, that’s even more practice.”

Soapy spoke about his readiness to take his exam and how it influenced his willingness to frequent Drum throughout the week, as opposed to studying.

“I’ve been to around …3 lectures, but I’ve copied and turned in all the online homework. So far I’m getting an A, so if that’s any indication of anything I’m in great shape for this test. I might even pregame it, to be honest. If all goes south I’ll just copy off of the freshman in front of me. Those nerds always study for this bullshit.

Freshman Maria Vales commented on Soapy’s study habits, “Wait, that kid? He constantly smells like liquor — whenever he’s in class, that is. Yeah there’s no chance he passes. I’ve only seen him in lecture twice and he was either browsing Facebook or playing that Fortnite game.”

Soapy stumbled back to the bar to grab yet another Hamm’s. “I’ve got this. No problem. I can’t even remember that time I studied for a– ” he said, his eyes following a girl walking to the back of the bar. “I’ll be right back.”

Soapy was last heard getting slapped and then complaining that his shuffleboard opponent was cheating.

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