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6 Things Underclassmen Think Happen at Fat Jacks

Bar life at ISU is almost a mystery for underclassmen. It’s safe to say they really don’t know what’s actually going on until they finally go, so what do they really think about what goes on during a typical night out? Here are five things underclassmen think go on at Fat Jacks:

6.) It’s commonly referred to as Ol’ Jack Fatty’s:
There’s no way people aren’t calling this bar by this cool nickname. Only veterans of the establishment know well enough that this is how all the fuckin’ cool kids refer to it. They all stand around an reminisce about the first time they came to the Ol’ Jack, while they sip Jack & Cokes through 100 straws. There’s no denying this is true.

5.) All you can eat giant pancakes:
I mean, it’s called Fat Jacks, which is way too close to “flapjacks” for it to be a coincidence. It’s obviously a breakfast buffet bar with unlimited pancakes and of course drinks. The fortunate upperclassmen can gorge on breakfast food at any time during the day while also sipping on a few mimosas. It’s basically the 21+ up version of Merry Ann’s diner.

4.) Getting hit by a giant wave every 45 minutes:
Everyone is always talking about getting slammed by a tsunami every weekend. Does that mean there’s a wave pool that weeds out the wasted people every 45 minutes? It’s probably not super easy to get swept away with all those pancakes everyone’s eating.

3.) Bumping into beer guts:
Walking around Fat Jacks is just like a giant game of human pinball. Potbellies stick out from all cracks and crevices in the crowd. Bouncers are actually required to make sure that at least 60% of people entering the bar have a beer belly, or are at least working on one. Having a beer gut is probably more important than having your ID.

2.) Sugar daddies everywhere, damn:
Having a senior citizen’s card is almost as important as a beer belly. So then, it only makes sense that Fat Jacks is a speed dating court for old men. Girls get unlimited drinks and the grey haired men get the most action they’ve had in 50 years.

1.) There’s a fat bartender named Jack:
Obviously there has to be someone named Jack somewhere in the bar. It would be pretty safe to assume the chubbiest bartender is probably Jack. You can try to impress the bartender by calling him by name and leaving him completely clueless as to how you could’ve guessed his name was Jack. However, he may also assume you read his name tag, in which case this would have the opposite effect.

Well you’ve heard all the rumors and we’re here to confirm that every one of them is true. With tsunamis ripping across the dance floor and a side of pancakes with every shot, Fat Jacks is the most sweetest bar in town.

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