Moms can be judgy, especially toward the children they raised to be responsible adults. When your parents are in town you probably spend the day eating lunch at Red Robin and drinking martinis to keep it classy in front of Mom, but here’s what she’d think if she saw how you actually spend your weekends at Daddios:
6.) “Do you even know that person you just dry humped in the middle of the floor?!”:
Of course not mom, that’s the point! Dancing with strangers is fun and much less awkward than sobering up and dealing with the aftermath of dirty-dancing with your best friend. Or worse, hooking up with them.
5.) “You have terrible taste in music.”:
She’s probably right, but in your defense anything is your favorite song when you’re drunk. Bars are a safe spot where people can go and dance to Taylor Swift’s shitty new album and only feel like, 13% bad about themselves.
4.) “It’s rude to be in someone’s personal space.”:
What your mom fails to understand is that there’s no such thing as personal space at Daddios. It doesn’t even hurt when your feet get stepped on anymore, cause let’s be honest, they’re numb at this point. Nothing brings people in a bar closer than literally being forced to rub their butts against each other.
3.) “You shouldn’t kiss strangers!”:
Your mother will absolutely be the first to scold you about this. You grew up being told not to talk to strangers, but what she really meant was: hey, maybe don’t suck face with someone you meant literally 45 seconds ago. To be fair, she was never explicit about this, so it’s not entirely your fault. Plus, that person was no stranger at all. You had a great drunken conversation by the bar and even danced with them in the middle of the circle. You’re practically soul mates.
2.) “You should’ve stopped drinking the first time you threw up.”:
You actually told yourself that same thing, but the difference is you didn’t mean it. Even though you can’t see anymore, you still have to finish that cup so you don’t look like a pussy. After all, was it really a great night if you don’t puke at least twice?
1.) “Stop dancing like that before people think you’re a hooker.”:
You knew this one was coming, but damn do you look good doing it. Granted your mom is the only one judging you right now, it’s safe to say you can strip dance your little heart away.
If you think that friend who plays the “mom role” when you go out is annoying, imagine how annoying it would be going out with your actual mom. You’d probably look over your shoulder every five seconds to find her making one of those judgmental faces and shaking her head realizing that she has in fact, raised a literal monster.
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