If you’re not going anywhere for SB, then it’s time to squeeze in some time with your parents, where they’ll ask you what you’ve been up to lately. They don’t really want to know what goes down in your bustling Redbird life, they just want to know that their faith in you (and their cash) isn’t going to waste. So, lie well and lie often.
7.) “I have never felt unsafe on campus, especially not in the parking garages.”:
Nothing screams safety like an police advisory email about a creep flashing their junk to someone trying to get out of the pile this university calls a parking garage. Let’s just hope that’s bird poop on your car, and not uhhhh, something else. If you manage to dodge that danger, you can dodge your parent’s questions about the reliability of campus security.
6.) “I don’t go out more than 4 days a week.”:
Normal has its normal routine of alcoholism. Tuesdays are for cheap brews at Brewe-Ha’s, Pub is for Wednesdays, and the Thursday nights are for any fucking excuse you have to get drunk. No one can really remember what goes on on Fridays and Saturdays, so gush to your parents about Sundays, ya know the day of rest, recovery, and cramming your assignments. They’ll like that.
5.) “I never run on the Constitution Trail.”:
Your parents hear the stories of what goes down on the trail, but you can’t help yourself. The fresh air and sunshine are good for you, and you can usually get a beer for the road when you pass some bros trying to get rid of their Miller 64s off their balcony. It really isn’t that bad, as long as you stick to the stories about what goes on during the day.
4.) “Frat row? We don’t have that.”:
You can lie to your parents, but you can’t lie to yourself. You recognize those funny shaped letters. You even have a whole circle of friends who inhabit the fraternities and sororities that dot this area. How else are you going to woo a fray boy?
3.) “No, I don’t shop exclusively at CVS.”:
Sometimes the most convenient option is just outside your dorm room, filling your daily fruit intake with liquor store limes. It wards off scurvy more with Corona right? What does it matter if CVS is a bit more expensive than Walmart. All you want are some Hot Pockets for your dank-ass dorm to make the weed smell go away.
2.) “I’ve only had D.P. Dough once.”:
You’re not living until you eat your cheeseburg zone, then eat your girlfriend’s too because drunk you just can’t help themselves. You don’t need to tell your parents that though. They’ll be able to figure it out based on your bank statements and the extra chub around the top of your pants.
1.) “I never J-walk across College Avenue, Main, or any other goddamn street, Mom!”
Nothing is more adorable than old people waiting at a crosswalk like good members of society. Too bad they probably never were educated at ISU. The first thing new students learn is how to read that traffic like it were the test answers written on the back of your hand. The next thing they learn is to awkwardly trot their asses across every and any street in Normal.
Now that you know what to tell your family at home you can get to your important spring break business. And by that, we mean doing everything to forget that you have to come back in a week.
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