By this time of the year, you’ve probably forgotten about your friend from high school who wouldn’t shut up about getting into UIUC. It’s been months since you guys have talked, but Unofficial is creeping up and you really don’t want to be left out. If you haven’t been showing your Illini friend any love throughout the year and need a place to crash for Unofficial, we have some ideas for ya:
7.) The girl’s bathroom at Red Lion:
A lot of questionable stuff’s happened in the girl’s bathroom Lion, so curling up next to a toilet for the night would be the least of their worries. Cozy up with a couple rolls of toilet paper and call it a night. You’ll probably be asked to take loads of selfies from time to time so make sure you don’t look dumpy. Well, too dumpy.
6.) The roof of a parking garage:
Instead of actually booking a hotel, just find a cozy corner in a local parking garage. It’s March in Illinois so we can’t really tell what the weather will be like, so be sure to bring some blankets. Seeing that this is the number one spot for UIUC freshmen to toke up, you’re bound to get away with sleeping on the floor for a couple of nights.
5.) One of the many frat houses:
The frat houses at UIUC are endless, putting us at ISU to shame. So give them a big FU for actually having a functioning Greek life, and crash on the dirty floor of one their houses. For the ladies, you can just pretend that you’re shacking didn’t go so well last night and crash on the couch. For the guys, just say you’re in the frat from a bufu school in the middle of Ohio and hope you can bullshit at least half of the secret hand shake.
4.) Stay on the transit all night:
The nice thing about a very alive school is that their busses run basically all night. Camp out on the local transit and ride around Urbana all night. Not only will you be taken on a fun little adventure, but the bus driver might feel bad for you and just let you be. Plus, you’ll have a comfortable bus chair to sleep on! Niceeee.
3.) Sleep in your car, ya dummy:
Those leather seats in your 2000 Honda Accord will make the perfect bed after a drunken night at a school that rejected you. Illinois students will be delighted to see your ISU sticker-covered car sitting on the street with you sleeping in the back seat. Just make sure you’re not in a tow away zone!
2.) Make friends with freshmen, then sneak into their dorm:
Freshmen are at the bottom of the food chain. But at to Illini, ISU students are even lower. Make friends with a couple of gullible freshmen weenies that you will buy them liquor for the weekend. They’re bound to let you hang around for a little while.
1.) Any restaurant on Green Street:
Any place on Green street would make for a great place to crash. The McDonald’s employees are so busy dealing with drunk diners that they’ll never notice you’ve been sitting at a booth staring at a cup of water for four hours. If anyone asks, you’re just meeting a friend for lunch… the next day. Hey, you like to show up early.
The weekend is coming quick, so be sure to follow some of these tips to ensure you have a great wandering around Urbana!
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: