As the semester slowly drags to a close, even the freshmen have figured out how this place really works. ISU tries to tell you it’s diverse, full of adventure, and interesting. Bitch, please. It’s just a monotonous struggle to adulthood mixed with lots of alcohol and little self-control. What we’re saying is this: Stay at ISU long enough, and you’ll basically be able to predict the future. Don’t believe us? Just watch.
7.) “You goin’ to Pub tonight?”:
Correct us if we’re wrong, but we think it’s almost a guarantee that you will hear this phrase uttered five to six times on your average Wednesday. Triple that if it’s Game 7 of the World Series. You literally could not ask a less interesting question. Sure, you’re making conversation, but it will be ended with a simple yes or no. Shit people, quit asking, start demanding. “YOU WILL BE GOING TO THE PUB WITH ME, BITCH.” 50/50 chance it’ll work.
6.) “OMG the weather here is so crazy.”:
OMG…shut the hell up.. Come up with an original thought. Every single person on this entire goddamn campus knows what the weather is like in Illinois. This is the perfect way to turn any intelligent person away from a conversation. Don’t tell someone the weather is crazy, tell them about how this weather makes you want to run across the Quad nude holding a Cubs ‘W’ flag.
5.) “It’s only been two months and I’ve already spent all my Flex Dollars.”:
Don’t beat yourself up, kids. This happens to the best of us. We all know what it’s like having that magic little card with an unknown (but seemingly never-ending) amount of money on it, and a Subway inside the building you’re living in. It’s hard not to blow it. “I’ll just buy Subway once this weekend,” you tell yourself. Here’s a prediction: never gonna happen. All it takes is one too many brews and you’ll be slowly shuffling to Subway, only to find out that you only have enough for a bag of chips and a small drink. Sucks, bro.
4.) “WATTERSON IS A PRISON.”:
This is just something that the majority of Redbirds have to figure out on their own. But Jesus, once we figure it out, we don’t shut the fuck up about it. Countless times we’ve all heard and talked about how awful living in Watterson Towers is. Saddest part? It’s just the plain truth.
3.) “Cops are such assholes here, they’re way cooler back home.”:
Okay, yeah, maybe the cops here are kind of strict. Get over it. We know the cops in your Chicago-ish neighborhood were totes cool with underage drinking and all, but they’re not here. Sometimes you just have to accept the facts and try not to be blatantly drunk walking home from a party at 3 a.m.
2.) “If I have one more quesadilla I’m going to explode.”:
It’s a known fact on campus that Watterson DC quesadillas are the tits. It’s like almost scientifically proven. According to a rumor we’re starting right now, they’ve actually got crack cocaine in them. This not only explains the addictive qualities, but also the explosive diarrhea and upset stomach. That’s how crack works, right?
1.) “Yeah, I think I’m gonna have to stay an extra semester.”:
This shit’s just a sad truth that you’ll be hearing more and more the closer you get to senior year. ISU likes to squeeze us for as much money as possible, so they make it hard as hell to graduate on time. It’s something you’ll all find out in due time. If you don’t believe us, just go to pretty much any 300 level class and wait around for someone to say literally this exact quote.
Other ISU quotes include “BARN DANCE WAS SO FAHN” and “ReggieNet just deleted a semester’s worth of homework,” but those both sounded too depressing to talk about.
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