We all have that friend. You know, the one who’s super weird, very lonely, and smells kind of like wet dog mixed with must… the friend that goes to U of I. But, even though they’re, well, the way they are, it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a shot at love. Unfortunately, we cannot give them that, but these awesome Valentine’s Day gifts are a close second!
7.) A Blindfold:
While a normal, sexually active person would use this for kinky bedroom stuff, most U of I students are, in fact, nerdy virgins. Instead, give this to your weirdo friend so that they have something to cover their eyes with while walking across their ugly as shit Quad. We’re not kidding, it’s actually really ugly.
6.) Basketball Tickets:
If your basketball team is the only thing sucking this V-Day, you’re doing it wrong. Oops sorry, your UIUC friend probably won’t even get that reference! Anyway, get them some ISU basketball tickets so that at least someone can score on Valentine’s Day. It still won’t be your friend, but it’s the thought that counts.
5.) Reading Glasses:
While we truly want your friend to find love, it doesn’t have to be with a freshman they met at Joe’s! These glasses are perfect for checking IDs in Chambana’s weird ass bar scene so that your friend can meet someone who’s both nice and of age. But again, make sure they wear the blindfold while they’re anywhere near campus. Do not let them confuse these two items.
4.) A Calculator:
Illini pride themselves on being “smarter” than Redbirds. Yet, they pay significantly more for the same education. To help them understand the value of a dollar (or a few thousand of them), buy your friend a calculator. That way they can visually understand how much money they’re wasting. If you really want to give them a treat, make sure they type 80085. Everyone deserves to see boobs at least once in their life.
3.) A Bank Account:
To further help your UIUC understand the concept of “money,” get them a bank account separate from Daddy’s! Like a relationship, a bank account takes time, effort, and nurturing from start to finish. Since your friend will probably never experience love, at least they’ll have something to pour their time and effort into.
2.) An Interview:
We imagine it must be hard to get an interview, let alone a job offer, when your friend has never worked a day in their life. Since you know like half the staff at State Farm, do your friend a solid and get them an interview. Heck, get them one at CAT, too.
1.) Foot Cream:
Walking across such an unnecessarily expansive campus must really reek havoc on your friend’s feet. We don’t want to pass judgment, but no one will ever date them if they have an ugly face and gross feet. So, get your friend foot cream! It can’t help the fact that U of I fucking huge for no reason, but it can make them look like less of a hobbit.
Your UIUC friend will probably always be sad and lonely, but at least now they’ll be sad and lonely with a cool blindfold. So go out and get them one (or all) of these great gifts! Don’t feel like you need to, though, because Mommy and Daddy probably just sent them a new car.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: