After another successful Easter resurrection, Jesus Christ, acclaimed savior of the world and protagonist of the best seller, The Holy Bible, stopped by Illinois State University on Monday to get righteously plastered.
ISU delinquents and future educators of today’s youth, Austin Bailey and Scott Daniels, were already halfway to their goal of getting locked-in-the-pantry drunk when they heard a knock on their front door. Daniels opened the door to find a tall, dazzling brunette blanketed in light, which he found completely normal despite the fact that it was 11:57 p.m.
“Honesty, I thought he was a Victoria’s Secret Angel at first. The halo and wavy blowout really threw me for a loop. Plus, he was tiny! He looked like he had been starving in a cave for a few days, which I’m assuming is the Victoria’s Secret workout,” commented Daniels.
Daniels and his friends watched the tipsy messiah invite himself inside. “He just walked into the apartment – no explanation – and started handing out plastic cups full of Franzia to everybody,” explained junior Kevin Tompkins.
Winking and saying, “There’s more where that came from,” Jesus then walked over to the counter, dumped out every liquor container he could get his hands on and filled them with grimy-looking tap water. “Watch this trick guys! You’re reaaally gonna like this – guys don’t glare! It was only Burnett’s! You know who drinks Burnett’s? Bradley kids. Also, Satan. But, I mean, Bradley kids…Satan…same thing, amiright?” Jesus slurred with a sly grin.
After changing one too many waters to wine (and at this point sporting nothing but a loincloth and abs that would make Channing Tatum jealous), Jesus drunkenly chewed on a pretzel stick and poured out his soul like he was making his first confession.
“Guys you don’t EVEN KNOW!” he exclaimed belligerently. “The last supper? More like the last rager! Strippers and Jewish cocaine everywhere.” Sarah Carter, devoted Catholic and women’s studies major stared in shock as the hammered holy one continued. “I was all like ‘Take my body!’ and ‘Let’s start drinking my blood.’ It was weird but they were totally into it. Like we have Christians… and then we have Christian Greys.” He winked at Carter as she silently questioned everything she had learned in Sunday school.
Wide-eyed and slightly flushed, Jesus continued with his unsolicited revelations, “You remember the story of creation? Yeah, you guys started off as my ant farm. It wasn’t a seven-day process. It was more of a science experiment-turned-universe. God the Father was pissed, just like that time he accidently got Mary pregnant. He doesn’t think that I know I was a mistake, but I know man… I know.”
The college students sat uncomfortably as a small tear slid down Jesus’ face. He bottled it and then handed the container to Tompkins, “Use this holy water to ward off Satan. Or when the Wesleyan kids get too close.” The ISU senior took it and hesitantly patted Jesus on the back as the man-god continued his rant.
“Oh and Noah’s Ark? Not a thing. Literally never happened,” he said. “We just added that to the Old Testament to show up those flashy Greek gods. And yeah, they’re real. But let me tell you, those Greeks are the same as the ones here – they have weird, effed up family relations and they’re all trying to sleep with each other.”
Jesus turned toward Sarah once more. “Hey you know why they call me the savior?” he asked as she tried to pry his sweaty arm off her shoulder. “Because I can take you to heaven, baby. Speaking tongues isn’t the only thing I can do with my mouth.” Again, Jesus winked as everyone silently prayed that he would go back to where he came from. To their luck, Jesus soon fell into a quiet slumber, disturbed only by his almighty snores and the flash of an iPhone as his host sent Jesus’ photo to @isupassouts.
Everyone stared, not sure about what had just happened. “He’s kind of an asshole,” commented Smith, “I can see why people wanted to off him. He can’t hang.” The others nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, the Romans were probably just trying to teach him how to with that whole cross thing,” mused Sarah. “So what do we do with him now?” they asked.
“I don’t really know,” Tompkins said as he nervously drew a dick on the sleeping messiah’s face, “but I’m sure he’ll rise again.”