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ISU’s Freshmen Guide to Dropping a Deuce on Campus

 

Your first year at a new school is tough. You have to juggle looking for classes, making friends, AND looking for the exact right spot to drop all that Watterson diarrhea. We wanted to help you out. So here are some special spots on Illinois State’s campus that will make you feel right at home to take that special shit. 

6.) The fountain outside of Stevenson: 

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A little tough to hop on in, but once inside most will be pleasantly surprised. It may be art, but to us, it’s a huge toilet bowl.

 Cleanliness: 5/10 

Space to squeeze: 7/10 

Ability to watch English major walk to class while you poop: 10/10 

Overall score: C+ 

5.) The CVA lLecture Hall:

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The CVA is easily the grossest place on campus. The school should be paying you to take a poop there, honestly. A pile of shit on the stage would at least distract you from the mold growing on the ceiling and all of the walls. That being said, not a bad spot to squeeze one out if you’re having a rough day and need to let loose. 

Amount of echo: 7/10 

Cleanliness: 3/10 

Ability to visualize yourself pooping on your Econ 101 professor: 9/10 

Overall score:  B- 

4.) The quiet floor, Milner Library: 

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Milner Library is a great place to take a poop. It’s quiet, not a lot of people, and plenty of reading material when you run out of likes on Tinder. 

Cleanliness: 9/10 

Price of printing: 1/10 

Amount of gender studies textbooks: A lot

Overall score: C- 

3.) The Brown Ballroom: 

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We were told by a lady working at the Bone Student Center, “Mr. Brown would not like to be on this list.” We don’t think that she gets the joke. Poop is brown and the name of the room is the BROWN ballroom. GET IT?

Temperature: 7/10 

Privacy: 3/10 

Name of location: 1,000,000/10 

Overall score: A++ 

2.) Walking bridge between Milner and the Quad: 

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A truly iconic spot on the Illinois State’s campus, and classic spot to pull up and drop trow and drop a stinky one. Be sure to keep on the lookout for police officers crossing under College Ave, they seem to not take kindly to public defecation. 

Privacy: 1/10 

Cleanliness: 6/10 

The look on people’s faces: Priceless 

Overall score: B- 

1.) Next to a friend: 

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The old saying goes “It doesn’t matter where you’re shitting, but WHO you’re shitting with.”  Whether it’s your best friend from high school, or a new drinking buddy, friendships are made on the toilet. 

Quality of Conversations: 10/10 

Amount of farts that aren’t yours: 30+ 

Ability to play battle shits: 10/10 

Overall Score:

There are a lot of places where you can poop. Some in bathrooms, some inside, some outside and some in places that you probably shouldn’t. It’ll take some time for you to find your spot, but when you do, make it yours. You don’t want to wake up in four years wishing you could have found that perfect spot but never did. 

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