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God Fires Brother Jed After ‘Failing To Connect With Youths’

In a stunning move today, God announced that Brother Jed is no longer associated with him after years of being unable to connect with a younger audience.

God issued the following statement regarding Jed’s release:

“Despite his high attendance at universities, Brother Jed is honestly super bad at recruiting younger people into his ranks. It is for this reason that I’ve decided, effective immediately, he is longer associated with me, Jesus, or my favorite guy, the Holy Spirit. We wish him the best in all his future endeavors, probably passing out samples at Lush or something.”

Students were surprised by the move, and many others seemed relieved, seeing him as a nuisance on campus.

“He wasn’t at all concerned about this being a very inclusive campus. He just strolled right in and started spouting bullshit about how God hates us for our decisions. But like, didn’t God make us this way? Why would he be mad at how he made us?” said Hilary Danks, an ISU junior.

While some were happy, others were upset by his release claiming his visits to campus were “the highlight of the semester.”

“It’s not like we agreed with him, it was just kinda fun to throw potatoes at him. Others really took him seriously, and I don’t get why. I’ll still miss that little rascal,” said senior Aaron Moss.

Now that Jed is a free agent it has been rumored that members of the Mormon church have expressed interest in bringing him on to see if he can “get the kids to stop dancing.”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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