It’s no secret that ISU is on the rise, whether it be in sports, education, or even party status. With a perfect home slate season last year, a Missouri Valley Football Conference title, and a heartbreakingly close loss to North Dakota State University in the FCS title game, Illinois State football is making some damn moves. Because of how amazing ISU football has been, the first game of the season was against Big Ten team, University of Iowa. And, of course, they totally kicked ass.
The Redbirds rolled onto the field Saturday morning at Kinnick Stadium ready to kick some ass. Right out of the gate, the Hawkeyes knew they were in trouble. Illinois State’s quarterback, Tre Roberson, threw a 90-yard pass that resulted in the first of many Redbird touchdowns. One spectator, James Henders, a senior at Iowa, was quoted as saying, “Holy shit! Is that Jesus on the field?”
The game continued in that manner until the third quarter. The Redbirds started getting too cocky, dancing and shit-talking more than actually playing the game. At one point there were two linebackers playing cards while the Hawkeyes were about to score. Linebacker Reggie Spearman told The Black Sheep, “That may not have been the best idea, but when you’re up 40-0 and you’ve got a royal flush, you can’t not keep playin.”
After a few touchdowns, ISU got back in the game and continued on their path of total destruction. With a final score of 53-17, the Redbirds, an underrated FBS team, made a Big Ten team run home cryin to their mommas. When asked about the impressive victory, head coach Brock Spack chugged a beer and said, “Iowa can suck our Redbird dicks! Roll damn Birds!”
A few hours after the game, the Big Ten Conference contacted Spack to not only congratulate him on their victory, but also to give them some important news. The director of the conference said, “We haven’t seen a team dominate that much since Tom Brady deflated all those footballs and cheated his way to victory! If ISU can play ball like that, the Big Ten needs you, not those sissy Hawkeyes.”
Spack accepted the offer and quickly gathered the team to tell them the good news. In the conference room of the hotel the team was staying at, Spack gave his speech. “That was a great win out there boys. You’ve worked hard and it’s been a helluva a ride so far. But, let’s ride this mother a little but farther. I’m talking BIG TEN BABY!!! WE’RE IN!” The Redbirds cheered and screamed in excitement. “All right, settle down,” Spack interrupted. “You all can call your family and tell them the good news later. But for now…we’re gonna party our asses off.”
Spack quickly called some strippers and made a team-wide booze run. 20 handles of Bacardi, 12 40-packs of Bud Light, and 30 strippers later, the team got down to business. They raged all day and all night, trashing every hotel room they had rented and undoubtedly contracting at least one STD. The next morning, Spack woke up to angry knocking on his hotel door. He approached the door, still a little drunk, with his arm around a stripper. Once he opened the door he was ordered to take his team and leave not only the hotel, but the entire state of Iowa.
On the bus back to ISU, Spack spoke to his hungover team, “These past few days have been pretty crazy, but we earned it. Every major win, every drunk picture, and every STD. Those are our memories—well we can remember most of them, anyway. They may have banned us from Iowa, but they can’t ban us from the MOTHERFUCKING BIG TEN BITCHES! WOOOOO!!!”
There is it. ISU is in the big leagues, Spack owes some hotel in Iowa lots of money, and most of the team is probably gonna die of AIDS.