Two weeks ago students were introduced to ISU’s new mascot, Lettuce, the “let us eat lettuce” lettuce (a large head of lettuce who hands out heads of lettuce to the students). Lettuce was revealed at a grand ceremony at the start of spring semester. President Dietz held a press conference a week earlier during which he finally admitted that his “Dietz Diet” was an ineffective way to promote weight loss and that new measures would be taken to keep the campus healthy.
The Black Sheep was able to speak with Dietz after the unveiling ceremony and asked him if he thought the mascot idea might be stupid, confusing, and ineffective.
“It needs to be obvious so that the kids understand!” Dietz responded, clearly offended, “I want them to see Lettuce the ‘let us eat lettuce’ lettuce and think to themselves ‘hmm… I better eat some lettuce like Lettuce lets us.’ It’s simple, it’s easy, and it gets the job done. Students are eating lettuce like never before! Look around campus, every other person is holding a giant head of lettuce under their arms.”
It was hard to argue with results, after only one week of the mascot traipsing around campus, students’ opinion of large heads of lettuce had changed drastically. At first glance it seemed as if the university truly respected the power and influence of the veggie mascot, but after that first week things began to change.
The week after his introduction, it became harder to find a nice, juicy head of lettuce to bite into. Lettuce, who normally would be skipping around campus handing out his delectable treats, was nowhere to be found. Some suspected that he’d been hanging around with bad influences like Reefer, the reefer-preferring pot leaf. We spoke with Lettuce’s best pal, Reggie the Redbird to try to get an idea of what might be going on.
“I used to be like him,” Reggie told us, “passed out in an alley drinking only the yolks of my wife’s eggs and telling her they broke by accident. If that green son of a bitch isn’t at Reefer’s house, then I’ll eat my eyebrows.”
We then went to the house of the famed drug-dealing mascot, Reefer, the reefer-preferring pot leaf, to see if we could get an interview. The stoned recluse refused to let us in, but glancing through his window, we were able to see the great head of lettuce just sitting on the couch, eyes as red as the dickens, watching old episodes of The Powerpuff Girls.
It’s been a week since we reported this drug use, and the results have been surprising. Once word got around that Lettuce had been indulging in illegal drugs, the campus came to a halt. The Watterson Dining Center is full of raucous laughter and spirited debate. Even in our classrooms are filled with dedicated learners participating in group discussion. It seems the campus has gone from an ever-happy, ever-healthy wonderland to…well, wait.
Nevermind. Nobody cares about mascots.