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ISU Student Completely Stress Free After Petting Therapy Dog

Illinois State University sophomore Parker Johnston stated that he’s “completely stress-free” after spending no more than five minutes with a small therapy puppy while attending ISU’s Paws-itively Stress Free event at Milner Library.

The event features local dogs of all shapes and sizes, but the one that Johnston petted was reportedly so adorable that the line to see him was out the door. “He was just the cutest little fucker I’ve ever seen,” Johnston explained with a huge, almost scary grin on his face. “I just wanted to eat him up.”

Johnston was one of many people who pet Charlie, the small pupper, but he was the only one to say it completely alleviated him from the stress of his impending midterms. “I dunno, it was like magic when I touched him. I mean yesterday I was curled up in a ball underneath the table holding on to my portrait of President Dietz,” he said. “But after petting that magical dog’s fur, I’ve been skipping class and haven’t been back to the library since.”

Though Johnston had positive experience with the event, some argue that having an army of dogs in the library while people are trying to study only induces more stress. “I almost had a fucking panic attack,” said ISU senior Ellie Hopkins. “First off, I’m allergic to dogs. Second, it was just a stampede of dogs and students. It was complete pandemonium!”

Hopkins said she was casually minding her own business when Johnston ran up to her with Charlie, frantically screaming that the dog had saved his life. Hopkins, being allergic to dogs, quickly ran away. “He started following me, yelling about that damn dog. He’s a fucking psycho,” Hopkins said, checking over her shoulder.

Johnston has stated that he doesn’t remember it that way. “I didn’t even bring the dog over to her, I could see she was minding her own business,” he said. “That being said, I did do a huge line before I saw Charlie, so really anything could have happened.”

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