The newest class available at ISU is all about sexual freeness. ISU President Larry Dietz said of the new course, “I’ve never seen students so excited to learn. Also, I haven’t seen so many boners in one classroom since the spring of 98’, but that’s a different story.”
ISU added More Than Missionary 101 after getting an overwhelming number of complaints from the undergrad population about how boring gen-eds are. Not knowing what to do, the university turned to the one man on campus who could come up with a solution.
Professor Hugh G. Weener told The Black Sheep exactly what he was going to do to fix this problem. “A new, sexy class should keep these young, virile sexpots comin’ back for more. We’ll hold it in the basement of Fell Hall. Feels so wrong, yet oh-so right. More than Missionary 101 is designed to simulate and excite students by talking about the one thing everyone always wants to talk about–sex!”
This drastically different course came as a shock to parents and students alike. The university, however, defended their decision to add this new, revealing course. In a statement ISU argued, “This year’s incoming freshman class is the largest we’ve ever seen. This is also the first time we’ve ever dared to offer a course this risqué. Coincidence? We think not. Boom. That’s some serious strategic thinking dropped on ya asses.”
Despite the shock and excitement this erotic course has inspired, it also leaves one wondering, “How will grades be determined?” Well, luckily, the university has come prepared with an answer to this, too. “It was the hardest part of creating this class. Literally,” says Dietz. “We first took a panel of university professors and sat them down to determine what things are sexy and what just doesn’t make the cut. PornHub proved to be a very helpful resource in figuring out what is and isn’t sexy. Several bottles of lotion, used tissues, and newfound fetishes later, I think we’ve cracked the code.”
In regard to the course rubric, the panel told The Black Sheep, “For the entirety of the summer, we’ve been gathering, um… ’data’ suggesting that flirting was deemed as ‘sexy enough’ for some professors, while others defined ’sexy enough’ based on full-blown (pardon the pun) sexual acts. As a result, we have developed this comprehensive guide for assessment. It’s pretty…’exploratory,’ if you catch our drift.”
We got a sneak peak of the class rubric and there’s no doubt about it, this shit is smokin’ hot. Showing up on time to class every day dressed in revealing clothing is 5 points of credit. Making seductive eyes at the professor while biting your lip is another 5 points. Sleeping with either the professor or at least one other classmate earns an automatic C. We can’t even tell you what you have to do to get an A.
Senior Eric Duncan shared with us his thoughts on the class after the first week. “Man, I wish every class could be like this one! I mean, when I watch internet porn and jerk off in any other class people look at me like I’m the weirdo, like I’m in the wrong! Can you believe that? I’ve been preaching about sexual openness for years!”