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Jesus’ Bicentennial Review of ISU

Jesus is hella busy, but the dude manages to come back from time-to-time, mainly to make sure that buffoonery at ISU is kept to a minimum. Before he left this year, we managed to get an excerpt from his review of our sins.


On Gluttony: I don’t know what’s more frightening, a plague of locusts or you guys on popcorn chicken day. I watched a girl shiv a man with a fork because he cut her in line. You guys have got to find a way to be healthier here. Maybe start that new thing they call “cross-fit?” Heh, I looked pretty fit on that cross, amirite? Or maybe wage a holy war in my name? Or both, whatever. Either will help you burn off the 12-pack of Redd’s and that Reggie Zone you ate after you struck-out at the bar.


On Lust: Look, one time I was naked on a cross, people are into weird stuff, I get it. That said, you people still manage to surprise me. I won’t even try to ask for abstinence until marriage. All I’m asking is that you try to refrain from banging 50% of the people you meet. Sex has existed for millio— I mean thousands of years, but you all took it to a new level of sin. I still love you guys, but stop coming on to her, and come unto me instead.


On Pride: The Rec may seem like a harmless place, but it’s a house of sin. The amount of hubris that goes on in there makes Kanye West look like John the Baptist. You don’t have to curl so close to the mirror, guys. You cannot make eye contact with your biceps. I understand that you’re trying to look good so you can try to get with that one girl that always works out in free-weight section of the Rec.


But it’s just a coincidence that she wears the tightest yoga pants she can when she squats, she’s not trying to seduce anyone. Wait… maybe she is… I’m disappointed in her, too.


On Sloth: When I was on earth, I was getting shit done. Do you think they wrote The Holy Bible about me because I sat around watching Friends on Netflix all day? No. They wrote about me because I served as a metaphorical allegory for sacrifice and love. They won’t write a book like that about you if you just sit around complaining on Twitter from the comfort of your couch. Go out and do something important with your life, you bums. Netflix is pretty great, though.


Guys, if you need any more tips you can pick up a copy of my latest book “The New Testament” at your local church or hotel. Guys on the Quad, too. That should give you a good idea of what I want you all to be doing. Come on people, work with me here, I’m not asking as much as the Old Testament. Just stay away from drugs, alcohol and sex. It’s not that hard, right?

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