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Reggie Redbird Arrested in ‘Egg-Citing’ Bar Brawl

Reggie Redbird, Bradley’s Kaboom! and the Easter Bunny were arrested early Easter morning at the Pub II. Bail is set for all parties at $15,000.

 

It was like any other Saturday night, the restaurants and bars of Uptown had a steady flow of both newcomers and old friends. At Pub II, Reggie Redbird sat alone trying to enjoy a cold one after cheering on the intramural ISU macramé team in the macramé playoffs at the Encounter Campus Ministry.

 

Reggie was charming young and old patrons alike, much to the dismay of the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny looked on, feeling that Reggie was taking away the real spirit of Easter (to have family photos with a large comical rabbit which in no way resembles the resurrection of Jesus Christ). The large rabbit was jealous and planned to give him a piece of his mind.

 

Around 11:43 p.m. the bars were bustling. The Easter Bunny peered through the window to find his nemesis from this afternoon. Drunk people were lining up to give him high-fives and take selfies. The giant rabbit, newly enraged, had two things: a fiery authority complex and a 97¢ carton of eggs from CVS.

 

The Easter creature swung open the door of Pub II and pitched an egg at Reggie, which splattered all over his beak. Reggie lunged at the Easter Bunny, tossing over tables and spilling everyone’s beer in the process.

 

Reggie got a few punches in before the bunny grabbed one of his wings and slung Reggie across the room. He crashed into a table and bumped into another figure. It was none other than Kaboom! the Bradley mascot with a learning deficiency! Kaboom! was drinking, as he was recently fired from Bradley University for being unpopular.

 

Things got heated when Kaboom! pulled out his switchblade. No one thought that the flamboyant gargoyle was capable of producing such threats and was flailing his knife like a mad man-in-a-gargoyle-costume. The Easter Bunny didn’t want his focus derailed again and disarmed Kaboom! with another egg. If he and Reggie were going to duke it out, they were going to fight like men in costumes.

 

Bottles were broken, outfits were ripping at the seams, and the punches would’ve been much more severe if it weren’t for the insulation of the costumes. Before any of them could actually hurt one another, local police apprehended the bunch. Those who were there witnessed the impressive feat of handcuffing wings, paws, and claws of the assailants.

 

All three mascots were cooped up in the back of the police car and were whisked away for temporary confinement. The Black Sheep tried to get an official statement from Reggie but the guy in the suit still refused to break character.

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